Under the surface

So I am happily starting to have lunch with a colleague I had met in a Jane Austen event and  I was ready to talk about Jane Austen's books, the regency time and much more when she comes with the questions: so how come you read...and in fact...in Colombia are there bookstores, WiFi...?

At the begging I was a bit surprised, shocked and even upset...but then I thought...fine...I am going to answer her questions...which by the way I have answered since I have been away from Colombia in the last 10 years more than thousands of times.

What made me think was that indeed...is very difficult to make connections when you are from another country. How many times have I stayed myself on the surface..the basic questions...the even biased questions...

At the end we all want that...we want to be seen under the surface.What I wanted to tell her was that I think I am a quite fun person that loves reading, writing, going to Movies, that loves Classical Music that has traveled a lot and has a fantastic son.

I am more and more adapted to this society....but now I recognize that I want to be able to be seen under that surface and that I make those questions and not go deeper.

So my goal for this year to continue adapting to Netherlands and to strengthen friendships and make new ones: Go under the surface...and I am definitely insisting to people also that with me...wish me luck.

What I have learned today December 1st,  2018.( Soon to be 46 years old).


The end of the year is coming soon and somehow feels like  a milestone. I guess after this I will soon be the furthest away from being young and  officially stepping closer into the senior world. I am not afraid of it. I just wished I had the wisdom I had when I was 20. Would have made my life so much easier back then but  hey...I would have missed the fun of learning right?

Here is what I have learned and what you can expect from me now...

1. Kindness is not weakness. I  have noticed this much more being in Netherlands. Dutch are strong in character and in manners. I have chosen kindness in many ways over not saying Hello or not smiling or not helping if needed. I have chosen to be kind to everyone around me including those that ignore me or treat me wrong. Is not that I am weak. I actually chose it. And because is a choice means sometimes can be difficult and sometimes I want to or I am as rude and hurt others as they  have hurt me but I believe that kindness is what we need in this world...more than arrogance, intelligence or position.

2. Always leave doors open. This relates exclusively for Business and Volunteer positions. Ever since we got married I have had to move here and there. Adapting, giving my best to where I am and then having to say good bye. I have been blessed with most of my managers. One exception. The rest have become friends and mentors. As I am naturally loyal( Loyalty is also not weakness) I have doors open in places I worked before and where I volunteered. I cherish my ex managers, my colleagues...all those that shared with me my business life or my volunteer life. As for the rest...toxic people, those that hurt you with intention, those that don't want to  like you as you are or simply don't take the time for you...those doors can be kept closed.

3. Marriage is not easy but definitely fun and comfortable: I have been married for almost 10 years. Of those years we have had harsh ups and downs. I have wanted to run away to feel free then the next moment  I know could never live without my husband and so on. We are completely different in many ways, we can talk for hours but we can fight for hours...difference makes it never boring, common grounds makes it very fun and laughter is what keeps us going strong.

4. Family is THE most important thing. Having moved around there were moments when you don't have much with you and I have  to confess that I felt overwhelmed in many cases and my faith was very thin. However, only when I hold my son with me or I when I am  in the arms of my husband or I have a nice talk with my mom is when I could feel the balance. Nothing compensates the fact to go home and have someone waiting for you.

5. Have fun. Life is too short to stay in places where you are not welcomed or feel miserable every day. Try to enjoy what you do, enjoy the happiness and success of others, help others, volunteer...believe me..the energy I get by doing this is amazing.

6. Write. The best therapy. When I write I feel an immediate feeling of focusing. The hyperactive mind I have seems to calm down only when I write.

Finally...dance..always dance and never stop. This is of course related to the Have Fun Part...and if your husband dances like mine..even better.

Getting ready for next year...

Battles

BATTLES

Is one of those days. Until now I have survived three useless Hello’s from my side and people looking at me like if I am insulting them, a nice greeting from my side and then the receptionist in my building saying hi to a guy instead of me…and someone bluntly (or rudely-still trying to figure out this one) correcting something I said in Dutch in front of everyone in the table. This of course with a horrible grey 21 degree day in the middle of a not so summer.

My old self will probably jump and say to her something like: I speak 4 languages and you? Or tell her…how dare you…but I decided that none of that is going to affect me or make me have a useless fight. Choose well your battles…and I am not in the mood of a battle.

Amsterdam Mamas is a community of moms (and some dads) mostly expats or immigrants trying to find their way around this amazing city. Is an incredible group of people who help each other and show the power of just being there.  Never easy…5 years later…I have had more of these days before, becoming luckily less and less. When everything seems grey…people around you…the day…no kindness at all and you are wondering why you are away from the warmth and loving life of the Latin world. Still most of the time Amsterdam Mamas is there to remind me that I am not alone on what I feel, that I can ask for help and that we are all going through similar things.

This week we lost one of our members: A mom of 36 year old that leaves behind two small children and a husband. Someone foreigner as I am.  Someone trying to make a life far from home as I have been doing in this country.  When she first shared her sickness I was in the middle of resigning a job that was not making me happy. I decided that I will honour her by not having more battles in a place where I was not entirely welcome. I went home and decided that I am going to love my husband and son every day even more even when is difficult and I may want to run away. I decided to cherish even more my friends…those real ones and left after years of changes.

Now she is gone… and all I can think is that I don’t want to lose time in useless battles…I just had promised this morning Berend that I was not going to fight against this country(like the stupid people that  I have met during the morning). I want to make it my home. I just came back from Colombia and I felt happy to step back to my routine and world. Nothing of this grey day or those grey moments will keep me away from being okay to be here.I had a wonderful time in Colombia. I met old classmates which helped me confront old fears, heal and just have  a blast and even go back to my old school and the playgrounds where I was trying to define myself as a person. I could meet and feel my extended family that is so missed in Netherlands. I could see my Father be a Grandfather to Benjamin, Benjamin enjoying his cousin and family, the attention he was getting and learning Spanish. We were grateful for the time in the mountains and the farm and I was humbly surprised by the love of people still after 7 years being away. Coming back to Netherlands was not easy but still, this is my home.  

I am  not resigning completely to the sometimes coldness of the Dutch…I will still smile, and greet and say thank you. I want Benjamin to know and learn this. There is nothing wrong or weak in being kind and there is nothing wrong in choosing your battles and just enjoy life and the people around you.If anything I think I can teach a thing or two of the power of a smile and kindness. 

Sailing the fields of Exhaustion

Today is my last day of sick leave and I am sitting on a train  on my way back to Amsterdam from Cologne. I haven't written in  a long time, always with the  wrong excuse that I am busy when actually  writing for me is like breathing. My days  are filled with mental notes: this could be a blog, this could be a column and even could be a book.

Anyway, when you are an expat or an international in another country than yours life is full of firsts: first time of certain food, first time shopping, first winter. Now one year and a half after I started working full time I am for the first time( and hopefully last ) sent to sick leave because of excessive stress and exhaustion...at home and at the office.

I am not going to go on details on why I ended here. All I know  is that my learning curve as being out of my country for almost 6 years increased dramatically having to confront with myself. I was forced to stop...and with it feelings I had hidden or ignored for a long time came crashing through.

I recognized how I haven't really grieved dreams or hopes I had before embarking on the adventure with my husband to follow him to South Africa and to Netherlands. I simply compromised all I was to be with the man of  my dreams. I love him dearly but I just covered and chocolate coated whatever thing I had planned in my never boring life in Colombia. That is not always good.

I also noticed how many small things I am missing still. Me, in my effort to adapt quickly to the country I call home was starting to think that nostalgia was no longer in my life and that I will be okay without whatever helped me define before: my family, friends, music, food and even all the experiences I had that brought me up to this point. I even forgot how important they were and how much I enjoyed them and learned from them even when they were  complex. Hence, I am embracing it: Nostalgia...you are welcome back into my life!

This brings me to my next point: adapting. I am hearing the speaker in the train and I formally understand two of the three languages spoken and I use my intuition to understand the third. Dutch and English being the first two...German after some classes that I took once and Dutch sounds more logical. This could mean that I am totally adapted to the perfect organization and structure in Netherlands but I have to confess that after these two weeks I can see that cultural shock is still there. I still feel an outsider, I still feel clumsy and insecure and I miss my culture and I also miss the culture I was in South Africa. Accepting this...is making it easier to digest.

All this takes time. I crave for the day I wake up and the feeling is I am really at home, everything feels well and is going to be okay. Meanwhile, I am back to baby steps finding, re finding myself  and reinventing me.

Of Crocodiles and Butterflies

Is been more than a year since I last posted and that in the time of an expat is more like 5 years...so many struggles, confusions, nostalgia, life lessons, painful moments but also happy moments. I have been formally in Netherlands for two years and I feel that I have changed in many ways, some good and some... well... someone once told me that you learn to put yourself a crocodile costume so you can actually act as if you are strong, continue swimming after a blow, nothings seems to bother you and even smile when you want to cry. I other words...my crocodile suit is more than ready and I am using it more than I want and I don´t want that anymore.

It has been many things. Is find out that people back home, or what I call home: Colombia are more and more away from my reality. Keeping friendships and even family relations in the same level as four years ago when I left the country is becoming increasingly difficult and even exhausting. Is a harsh reality for those that are far and is to find out that your conversations in spite technology are never as deep as you want and will always leave you an empty feeling because you are not there. And no matter how you fight against it you feel more and more tourist in your own country.  Even South Africa is starting to feel away. I am forgetting names of things which were vital for me after two years of living there, forgetting smells, faces, moments and that feeling is not nice.

It has also been the fact of how difficult is to start and keep friendships in a new country. I am blessed because I belong in a big network of moms that has allowed me to write, connect, help, volunteer, and inspire me: Amsterdam Mamas and my incapacity to stay still has allowed me to meet many people and I keep quite socially active...but real deep friendships are hard to start and even harder to keep. And is struggling not only with Dutch culture but with other cultures from around the world. Being Amsterdam a cosmopolitan city makes you meet wonderfully people from all corners but at the same time you notice how many things are different and no matter how hard you try sometimes common ground is just not there.

As a mom of a toddler I have learned and re learned every day from me and from my son. I see him growing happy and I keep a routine for him to relate with other children and for me to keep my mental health. It is a wonderful world out there of SAHM( Stay at home moms) but sometimes is harsh as well when there is hardly time for deep conversations because you are taking care of your own son or when comparisons come in place about who has been able to manage potty training first, how to raise the kids so they don´t become bullies, having extra time and who cooks what.

However, the most difficult thing of the past year is not be able to find a job. I have been applying here and there and recently I got my 200 rejection letter. I have filled in so many log in pages of companies, expat pages, job agencies which they somehow are expecting that you remember the password you gave them if you try to apply with them again. I have made a couple of interviews but the result is always the same. It is a huge blow to your self steem but at the same time you think how on earth is your CV going to be different on a pile of so many people applying. This combined with our own economical struggles doesn´t help much.

January 4, things started to change. My crocodile suit has been more and more in the closet lately because of that and because of my involvement in Amsterdam Mamas and the Spanish Speaking Moms of Netherlands. That day apart from the fact that is the birthday of my little one, I registered Mariposa Vlinder : Butterfly in English. My own small company of party animation for children and grown ups. Now I am General Manager, Web Master, Sales Manager, Client Service, and Financial Advisor...all in one. It has been a wonderful experience to start by myself and surprisingly not scary. I am still looking for jobs which will help us immensely emotionally and economically but meanwhile...here I am...a Business Stay at Home Mom. Had already many clients and more to come...thinking of new products and new ways to reach people. Busy when my little one is taking the nap, preparing parties and activities in the evening and working in the weekends while Berend stays home. Is a learning process as well...12 years working closely to client service has helped and my mentor and friend Hernan Valderrama has guided me through with his knowledge in support. Still I make mistakes..all of them solvable and still a lot to acquire on tax system here, on cultural differences, on quality, places to buy but has been a nice adventure and is a good reason to put away the crocodile for a while and show myself to the world. Sometimes is hard still, getting up is a big effort on days like that but more and more Butterflies are part of my life and no matter what it happens I can say I started my own business. Let Mariposa Vlinder fly.

Trying to Adapt, Trying to Adapt and Yes, Trying to Adapt!

There. I click send. That is my next attempt to find a job in a foreign country that now I call home. Is a new issue for me. I have never really looked for a post before. Being a teacher came as a recommendation from my sister and I was immediately hired and from then on 10 years later I was teaching and I have been a volunteer as long as I remember, I applied before to other jobs but I was in the comfort zone of having an income. I call it the syndrome of “Convincing Yourself while Convincing Others.” I decided to convince myself that looking for a job is a way to convince others that I am doing something. But I discovered that I am doing something. People ask me over and over again what am I doing here in Tshwane, Pretoria, South Africa And I proudly tell them that I am busy…that well I am volunteering, I am teaching some hours Spanish, I am writing and reading when in my mind I am saying...well…I am trying to adapt…and trying to adapt and oh yes trying to adapt. Yes, a job sounds good but does anyone know except probably expats and students aboard how much energy is spent every single day trying to acclimatize to a country?

How can you explain that “busy” when you are in another country which is not yours means that now you are in charge of a home, that takes all the energy of the world to create social networks and even assisting to social events when you are still struggling with accent and the fact that people speak apart from English and Afrikaans other ten languages?(And I thought I spoke a lot of languages…yeah whatever!) How can you define “trying to adapt” as a 24 hour shift? Well it is.

Lets start with the basic: going shopping. Sounds fun right? Yes. If you know where you can buy things and what things to buy. But finding the right shop, the correct prices, the precise food, budget analysis, security issues, scrutiny of which ones look close enough to the ones you used back home and deal with the frustration of finding that some of them don’t even exist in this country takes hours. “How can you expect me to survive without the shampoo I used in Colombia?” I say to Berend with almost tears in my eyes and he answers, “It’s a mystery.” And yes. Is a mystery because I have been able to survive without that and without many things I thought were basic but boy it is like I have been working for 120 hours per week!

Is like reading the newspaper. I used to read the newspaper every day. So I started buying it here. Bad idea. It has so many horrifying stories that it feels like I am reading a tabloid and just increased my fear in 200%( El Espacio for those in Colombia). Hence I had to change that routine. Now I read a web page that chooses the main news of South Africa (which unfortunately still include terror stories but not so much) and I read the newspapers from my country. So instead of having my breakfast with the newspaper, I have coffee with the computer. It makes a good combination but I miss having the newspaper delivered to my door and jump in bed on Sundays and read it without having to turn my computer on. That adds other 100 hours!

We are proudly still in love with each other completely but dealing with a bicultural marriage in a culture completely different from ours is a whole project. As an example we both love watching movies but finding movies when you live downtown has been a whole quest. Many of the films come from and Nigeria, which for our taste are not the best, and many of them have a whole spectrum of violence. If we want to buy some other type we have to go by car to a bigger and nicer shopping mall and both of us don’t even remotely like cars or even enjoy driving! So we are “using” our friend’s volunteers from the foundation to move us around while we…okay…while Berend gets more confidence driving. Me…well…I am trying to understand the fact that people drive on the right side…and not feel completely panicked when someone turns thinking they are going the wrong way!

I have done fun things, I have learnt how to play African Drums, we have been to Soweto Gospel Choir, as part of TLF (Tshwane Leadership Foundation) we were involved in the Feast of the Clowns. I was in charge of the main desk in the 20.000 people event and joined the Counter Trafficking Campaign against Human Trafficking and the New Debate about Homelessness. I have been to movies, to eat out (finally we had Chinese food it was a whole thing finding a Chinese Restaurant, not so much again around down town), invited friends over, made friends, went playing board games for a weekend near Krugesdorp, been to the zoo, been to museums. But I also have been sick for over four weeks. Some kind of virus and infection in my throat and my body, have I said this before? Trying to adapt!

Every day that seems 48 hours has its ups and downs. Over and over sending my CV, making calls, writing to the friend of someone, going to the places to hear or read over and over again: we will contact you if there are posts or we will contact you and well sometimes nothing happens. Even the day of the main event of the Feast of the Clowns I had to take care of a child whose mother had left him in charge to his 12 years old sister who decided to leave him alone in the middle of 20.000 people. We later found out that the mother was completely alcoholic.

It is how it is. I have a life here. Trying to Adapt. I am now learning to take it slowly. That is also a big effort. I have always worked, studied and volunteered at the same time. For the first time God has given me the possibility to be able to only be a volunteer and read as much as I want and even write as much as I want. Is difficult to teach yourself to be calm when I have worked many days in Colombia from 6 in the morning to 11 in the night. Is a permanent learning, a permanent teaching from God and life. Faith has increased in amazing levels in me because here everything is very fragile and nothing is for sure so you can only depend on God. We have good conversations and prayer seems even and even more the best option.

We are heading to our third month here. And trying to adapt is becoming more and more as Adapted! Still so much to learn and assume. But now I am proudly looking for Chutney at the supermarket and have for snack biltong in our cupboard. I will probably start driving in some weeks…

PLANE, STATUS QUO AND VUVUZELAS

30.000 kms away or more in Colombia I used to think that the plane theory applied to me completely but know here in Pretoria in South Africa( or now known as The City of Tshwane) I learn every day that life and God has surprises around the corners ready to be discovered and mark you forever. The plane theory says that if there is an emergency you put the oxygen mask first; you help yourself before you help others. However landing in Tambo International Airport in Johannesburg a month ago with a temperature of 4 degrees and arriving in a very humble but friendly house of volunteers made me realize how easy is to disturb the status quo. The question was and will always be: Do I want to disturb mine? Coming from the comforts of my home in Colombia to not having anything else but our bags, knowledge and mutual love with my husband was the hardest thing I have ever been through. I said good-bye to people and things I love and every single day I have tears in my eyes remembering one person or another. But at the same time my status quo was that…a status quo…and a turbulence called love changed my life transforming futile my own comfort, my own self, my own oxygen and put my whole life in perspective in a different and far away country.

Every single day I deal with the dichotomy that my spirituality teaches me that Christ was able to be content working with poor and homeless and not have anything while at the same time I find the need to have a safe clean and nice home for my recent marriage. And every single day I handle thousands of feelings between admiration, surprise, frustration, happiness, and lessons from God, wonderful reflections from Berend and by life itself. On one side I think highly of woman here. Wiser than many, they carry their children close to them until they are capable of walking creating I think a sense of security in children which makes them look very happy and protected. At the same time they carry three bags, a blanket and maybe something in their heads due to the fact that poverty makes people change of housing all the time and all they can carry is their home. Women have power positions like the Mayor of Pretoria but I also have observed the extremely quietness of some woman in contrast of my own outspoken personality as a result of a still very chauvinist society which makes men hardly have business with woman apart of being maybe a wife or someone pretty to look and harass at if not the be affected by family violence and have to fled from their own husband or boyfriends. Even worse, see young girls sold to prostitution, having suffering from sexual violence loose their own capacity to believe in themselves and their smile.

On the other hand amazingly happy children but at the same time with stern faces that represent the fact that they have to survive with poverty and their own families suffering. Amazing sunsets and sunrises are with me everyday in a beautiful city that has the amazing characteristics of the African continent but garbage is still an issue and the still not so sure how to define terrible sound of vuvuzelas (huge horns used in the stadiums) which people carry around happily as a way to show happiness and cars competing to have the biggest stereo don’t allow me to sleep well. At the same time incredible people spiritually connected to God and amazingly hopeful to change the city and the world are my first official network here and have received me as part of their organization all though I am only a volunteer.( TLF-Tshwane Leadership Foundation).

We even had to put in stand by some of our values. Always proud that we used public transportation and bicycles to move around and never liked the car because is one of the worst elements responsible of Global Warming…now we have to have a one to have a social life and do something after dark. And due to those uncomfortable roaches, every single time wash dishes, which implies more soap into the environment and more use of water, still can you trust God? Why not? When you have nothing of the comfort you had back home and you are surrounded by 5 different languages, in a completely strange, complex and not so safe city and all your knowledge and experience is not enough because everything you are is tested day by day there is no other option but to have a blind faith that somehow things will be okay.

Life goes on…and we are on that train...this city gets you…one day you love it and one you hate it. I am starting to teach Spanish, help in TLF with educational process and other activities while Berend is being an Advocacy Advisor and more due to all his previous experiences…meanwhile as people say here Sharp Sharp (Everything okay) !

Ice Skates vs Gaza

January 11,2009 on Amsterdam News: Ice Skating, where can you ice skate, the canals are frozen how many ice skates were sold, the minister broke an arm skating, the 11 city tour( ice skating around different cities) oh and by the way there is a conflict in Gaza!

This is one of those defining moments when you clearly understand that you are in another culture, in another country in another reality. Colombia has more news every day than two years in New Zeland and when I saw ice skating news apart from laughing I enjoyed the fact that I was for the first time in many months away from conflict and political issues from my country. That is exactly how you know you have crossed the barrier of development and underdevelopment. When you hear news and the news change of intensity, change of importance and changes priorities. I was in Netherlands for over a month, I was in a developed country, I was living the dream of many people to go to Europe but was it an aspiration still for me?

I have been going to Netherlands for the past six years and I have always been in the comfortable arena of an international group,staying in hotels, eating in nice restaurants and enjoying the culture staying with some friends in their home but always as an observer and never as someone who now for sentimental reasons has to adapt quickly to another culture. But do I really have to adapt to it?

Suddenly my level of English which has helped me in my volunteer job for many years around the world wasn`t good enough to stablish realationships further than a hi, hello and how long are you staying in Netherlands. Making friends suddenly is not easy because inspite people constantly tell you that you can survive in Netherlands with only English if you want to establish real links it takes time and hardly can be done with the scarce 50 words or more I know in Dutch. Is learning Dutch or choosing to stay quiet for hours seing people around you laugh and have fun and you having no clue at all at what they are talking.

This visit included encounters such as the guard in the door of a public international building who inspite my efforts of saying a name in the difficult Dutch pronunciation and showing the name, and even doing mimics to establish communication I was sent off with a: " You are the one who should know Dutch and learn how to say things!"And even had a bus driver who inspite he was late, it was freezing outside and all the circumstances showed him guilty didn`t want to be flexible enough to let me in the bus and I would have to wait for over an hour more if it wasn`t for the nice boy who gave me a chair! This is the moment when Europe stops being glamorous. This is the moment when is your reality and not a holiday and you start seing things as they are.

I see a continent which inspite has agreements as amazing as the European Union still makes it difficult to move around even if you are national of one of the countries. No discounts apply away from the border of the country you are born, trains don`t work exactly the same across the nations, conditions such as a safe road in the middle of an orange alarm of snow change from one side of the path to the other and there is a long road to go for a continent that promotes freedom, openess and multiculturalism to be ready for foreigners, imigrants and other cultures.

It all lies in those two questions: Do I have to adapt and Is still a dream for me? Yes. Of course I have to adjust. I have to do it in order to understand more the man I love and be able to raise if we we ever have our children with our two worlds wonderfully mixed. I do have to accomodate but at the same time I kept having this feeling that actually Europe and specially The Netherlands is closing more and more to foreigners and even though some of us are willing to habituate oneself as much as possible in this society it will become harder and harder.

And a dream for me? What can I say. I love the museums, transportation, travel, the amazing and beautiful cities, how sometimes people can be wonderfully flexible like the culture I come from and even ice skating. How free time, family and not competition is part of society. How culture is around and so many things even the silence you sometimes hear when you are in a small town, hardly possible in a country like Colombia that has 40 million people. I loved the Efteling, Frankfurt,The Ardennes, being in a house with 18 people playing games. I loved New Year in Nieuwmarkt in Amsterdam, walking around in a sunny but freezing Tilburg, Rotterdam, Den Hague, Delft and its lights and even there is much more to discover in Utrecht. I loved going around small towns in Belgium, walking in Paris and knowing Lille and Remagen. Still is hard. Going from the observer to the companion of a wonderful man who comes from a completly different culture than mine is not easy.

Still there is more to come. I will start soon dealing with color..and color will become an issue for me for the first time. I will deal with the fact that people will see us a mixed couple and not as a couple in love. I will be not only having a multicultural relation but far away from all the things I love. Culture adaption seems forever but I am very willing to continue it. Still takes lots of you and people who are taking or willing to take all the risks to be with the person they love, or to fulfill their dreams to make their families life easier, or those who want to study abroad deserve to be seen as brave people. Those are the lessons from this trip. Ice Skating and Gaza, culture and language, adapting and not adapting.