What I have learned today December 1st,  2018.( Soon to be 46 years old).


The end of the year is coming soon and somehow feels like  a milestone. I guess after this I will soon be the furthest away from being young and  officially stepping closer into the senior world. I am not afraid of it. I just wished I had the wisdom I had when I was 20. Would have made my life so much easier back then but  hey...I would have missed the fun of learning right?

Here is what I have learned and what you can expect from me now...

1. Kindness is not weakness. I  have noticed this much more being in Netherlands. Dutch are strong in character and in manners. I have chosen kindness in many ways over not saying Hello or not smiling or not helping if needed. I have chosen to be kind to everyone around me including those that ignore me or treat me wrong. Is not that I am weak. I actually chose it. And because is a choice means sometimes can be difficult and sometimes I want to or I am as rude and hurt others as they  have hurt me but I believe that kindness is what we need in this world...more than arrogance, intelligence or position.

2. Always leave doors open. This relates exclusively for Business and Volunteer positions. Ever since we got married I have had to move here and there. Adapting, giving my best to where I am and then having to say good bye. I have been blessed with most of my managers. One exception. The rest have become friends and mentors. As I am naturally loyal( Loyalty is also not weakness) I have doors open in places I worked before and where I volunteered. I cherish my ex managers, my colleagues...all those that shared with me my business life or my volunteer life. As for the rest...toxic people, those that hurt you with intention, those that don't want to  like you as you are or simply don't take the time for you...those doors can be kept closed.

3. Marriage is not easy but definitely fun and comfortable: I have been married for almost 10 years. Of those years we have had harsh ups and downs. I have wanted to run away to feel free then the next moment  I know could never live without my husband and so on. We are completely different in many ways, we can talk for hours but we can fight for hours...difference makes it never boring, common grounds makes it very fun and laughter is what keeps us going strong.

4. Family is THE most important thing. Having moved around there were moments when you don't have much with you and I have  to confess that I felt overwhelmed in many cases and my faith was very thin. However, only when I hold my son with me or I when I am  in the arms of my husband or I have a nice talk with my mom is when I could feel the balance. Nothing compensates the fact to go home and have someone waiting for you.

5. Have fun. Life is too short to stay in places where you are not welcomed or feel miserable every day. Try to enjoy what you do, enjoy the happiness and success of others, help others, volunteer...believe me..the energy I get by doing this is amazing.

6. Write. The best therapy. When I write I feel an immediate feeling of focusing. The hyperactive mind I have seems to calm down only when I write.

Finally...dance..always dance and never stop. This is of course related to the Have Fun Part...and if your husband dances like mine..even better.

Getting ready for next year...

Battles

BATTLES

Is one of those days. Until now I have survived three useless Hello’s from my side and people looking at me like if I am insulting them, a nice greeting from my side and then the receptionist in my building saying hi to a guy instead of me…and someone bluntly (or rudely-still trying to figure out this one) correcting something I said in Dutch in front of everyone in the table. This of course with a horrible grey 21 degree day in the middle of a not so summer.

My old self will probably jump and say to her something like: I speak 4 languages and you? Or tell her…how dare you…but I decided that none of that is going to affect me or make me have a useless fight. Choose well your battles…and I am not in the mood of a battle.

Amsterdam Mamas is a community of moms (and some dads) mostly expats or immigrants trying to find their way around this amazing city. Is an incredible group of people who help each other and show the power of just being there.  Never easy…5 years later…I have had more of these days before, becoming luckily less and less. When everything seems grey…people around you…the day…no kindness at all and you are wondering why you are away from the warmth and loving life of the Latin world. Still most of the time Amsterdam Mamas is there to remind me that I am not alone on what I feel, that I can ask for help and that we are all going through similar things.

This week we lost one of our members: A mom of 36 year old that leaves behind two small children and a husband. Someone foreigner as I am.  Someone trying to make a life far from home as I have been doing in this country.  When she first shared her sickness I was in the middle of resigning a job that was not making me happy. I decided that I will honour her by not having more battles in a place where I was not entirely welcome. I went home and decided that I am going to love my husband and son every day even more even when is difficult and I may want to run away. I decided to cherish even more my friends…those real ones and left after years of changes.

Now she is gone… and all I can think is that I don’t want to lose time in useless battles…I just had promised this morning Berend that I was not going to fight against this country(like the stupid people that  I have met during the morning). I want to make it my home. I just came back from Colombia and I felt happy to step back to my routine and world. Nothing of this grey day or those grey moments will keep me away from being okay to be here.I had a wonderful time in Colombia. I met old classmates which helped me confront old fears, heal and just have  a blast and even go back to my old school and the playgrounds where I was trying to define myself as a person. I could meet and feel my extended family that is so missed in Netherlands. I could see my Father be a Grandfather to Benjamin, Benjamin enjoying his cousin and family, the attention he was getting and learning Spanish. We were grateful for the time in the mountains and the farm and I was humbly surprised by the love of people still after 7 years being away. Coming back to Netherlands was not easy but still, this is my home.  

I am  not resigning completely to the sometimes coldness of the Dutch…I will still smile, and greet and say thank you. I want Benjamin to know and learn this. There is nothing wrong or weak in being kind and there is nothing wrong in choosing your battles and just enjoy life and the people around you.If anything I think I can teach a thing or two of the power of a smile and kindness. 

FOR THE RIGHT TO COMPLAINT

16/05/2015
03:29

Started writing this almost six months ago and all though some things have changed...


Is 3:00 in the morning and I can't sleep again. I have been having insomnia and this only happens when my anxiety levels are way high. In the middle of this moments I do what calms my head more: Read. I just read a beautiful article about Special Children mothers and it touched me deeply. 

" Giving up  is not an option"   the article said and somehow it has been in my head ever since.... 

I was made redundant from my work because of reorganization and boy did I feel that giving up was not an option. I went into a one way mind set...find a new job. I didn't recognize myself I could hardly think of anything else and in spite I had a good landing place I didn't enjoy one inch of it. I am blessed because I have a wonderful network and soon I landed in  a new position.

A new job implies many things: changing routes, changing habits, changing terms...suddenly when you talk about the company that just fired you is no longer "US"..and you have to convince yourself that the company you are in...is the new "WE". You miss things: your colleagues,  the Jehovah Witness guys who stood every day out of the tram and always said hi to me, the fact that you are working in the heart of Amsterdam, the photocopy machine you knew by heart. New all: coffee is suddenly a huge challenge and everything feels overwhelming.

But giving up of course was not my option..all though a part of me wanted to go back to the comfort of what  I knew and I was able to handle I also knew that adapting comes with time and that soon I will start feeling confident where I am now. Glad this happened. Now I know which trains to take, I see more and more friendly faces in my daily commuting, enjoy the me time reading and in the office I can actually answer with confidence. 

 Adapting to this country is still hard. Every day I feel more home here but every day feels that I am not even close to not be seen as  total foreigner. Is an amazing country to live. My son can't grow in a better place where all the System protects him.Even considered the best place for children to grow. Netherlands is beautiful,everything works perfectly and I can still come home at midnight of my movie club feeling safe. But is not easy. We are mainly alone in Amsterdam.Going on a date only happens rarely when my brother in law travels one hour and a half to visit or we go to Tilburg. We have kind friends who help us here but we can't abuse and having a nanny turns a date night into a very expensive evening and keeping close contact with  friends is not easy.

All this and more is impacting our relationship as a couple and we feel sometimes that we are surviving. Is hard to say you are happy when you are in automatic mode and is not easy.

A friend in New Zealand wrote on Facebook an inspirational quote about recognizing that things can be complex, giving up as not an option and to know things can be better. It felt refreshing. Most of the time I feel people don't want you to say how difficult things are on your side or perspective. I have had people telling me to not complaint when I have achieved many things and I am mainly living the European Dream. I have close friends that feel alone because people can't understand if they want more when they have achieved a lot. This at the end  doesn't mean that we are not grateful.We are humans that want kind words,that  want to be shown support and kindness and we want recognition.

So here is my request: Let people around you complaint and tell you how difficult life can be.Just listening may make a difference. Don't immediately jump and tell them that they should be emotionally better and that there are people worse than them. Don't ask why are they complaining but ask how you can  make their day better and even sometimes advices are not required or asked...just listen. Mainly remember that this person as you is trying every day even if the lawn looks greener on their side. They are as you thinking: Giving up is not an option. 

People tell me I am supposed to be strong, still not know if its totally true.When someone says that to me I remember this quote   “Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow." Mary Anne Radmacher .

Sailing the fields of Exhaustion

Today is my last day of sick leave and I am sitting on a train  on my way back to Amsterdam from Cologne. I haven't written in  a long time, always with the  wrong excuse that I am busy when actually  writing for me is like breathing. My days  are filled with mental notes: this could be a blog, this could be a column and even could be a book.

Anyway, when you are an expat or an international in another country than yours life is full of firsts: first time of certain food, first time shopping, first winter. Now one year and a half after I started working full time I am for the first time( and hopefully last ) sent to sick leave because of excessive stress and exhaustion...at home and at the office.

I am not going to go on details on why I ended here. All I know  is that my learning curve as being out of my country for almost 6 years increased dramatically having to confront with myself. I was forced to stop...and with it feelings I had hidden or ignored for a long time came crashing through.

I recognized how I haven't really grieved dreams or hopes I had before embarking on the adventure with my husband to follow him to South Africa and to Netherlands. I simply compromised all I was to be with the man of  my dreams. I love him dearly but I just covered and chocolate coated whatever thing I had planned in my never boring life in Colombia. That is not always good.

I also noticed how many small things I am missing still. Me, in my effort to adapt quickly to the country I call home was starting to think that nostalgia was no longer in my life and that I will be okay without whatever helped me define before: my family, friends, music, food and even all the experiences I had that brought me up to this point. I even forgot how important they were and how much I enjoyed them and learned from them even when they were  complex. Hence, I am embracing it: Nostalgia...you are welcome back into my life!

This brings me to my next point: adapting. I am hearing the speaker in the train and I formally understand two of the three languages spoken and I use my intuition to understand the third. Dutch and English being the first two...German after some classes that I took once and Dutch sounds more logical. This could mean that I am totally adapted to the perfect organization and structure in Netherlands but I have to confess that after these two weeks I can see that cultural shock is still there. I still feel an outsider, I still feel clumsy and insecure and I miss my culture and I also miss the culture I was in South Africa. Accepting this...is making it easier to digest.

All this takes time. I crave for the day I wake up and the feeling is I am really at home, everything feels well and is going to be okay. Meanwhile, I am back to baby steps finding, re finding myself  and reinventing me.

Of Crocodiles and Butterflies

Is been more than a year since I last posted and that in the time of an expat is more like 5 years...so many struggles, confusions, nostalgia, life lessons, painful moments but also happy moments. I have been formally in Netherlands for two years and I feel that I have changed in many ways, some good and some... well... someone once told me that you learn to put yourself a crocodile costume so you can actually act as if you are strong, continue swimming after a blow, nothings seems to bother you and even smile when you want to cry. I other words...my crocodile suit is more than ready and I am using it more than I want and I don´t want that anymore.

It has been many things. Is find out that people back home, or what I call home: Colombia are more and more away from my reality. Keeping friendships and even family relations in the same level as four years ago when I left the country is becoming increasingly difficult and even exhausting. Is a harsh reality for those that are far and is to find out that your conversations in spite technology are never as deep as you want and will always leave you an empty feeling because you are not there. And no matter how you fight against it you feel more and more tourist in your own country.  Even South Africa is starting to feel away. I am forgetting names of things which were vital for me after two years of living there, forgetting smells, faces, moments and that feeling is not nice.

It has also been the fact of how difficult is to start and keep friendships in a new country. I am blessed because I belong in a big network of moms that has allowed me to write, connect, help, volunteer, and inspire me: Amsterdam Mamas and my incapacity to stay still has allowed me to meet many people and I keep quite socially active...but real deep friendships are hard to start and even harder to keep. And is struggling not only with Dutch culture but with other cultures from around the world. Being Amsterdam a cosmopolitan city makes you meet wonderfully people from all corners but at the same time you notice how many things are different and no matter how hard you try sometimes common ground is just not there.

As a mom of a toddler I have learned and re learned every day from me and from my son. I see him growing happy and I keep a routine for him to relate with other children and for me to keep my mental health. It is a wonderful world out there of SAHM( Stay at home moms) but sometimes is harsh as well when there is hardly time for deep conversations because you are taking care of your own son or when comparisons come in place about who has been able to manage potty training first, how to raise the kids so they don´t become bullies, having extra time and who cooks what.

However, the most difficult thing of the past year is not be able to find a job. I have been applying here and there and recently I got my 200 rejection letter. I have filled in so many log in pages of companies, expat pages, job agencies which they somehow are expecting that you remember the password you gave them if you try to apply with them again. I have made a couple of interviews but the result is always the same. It is a huge blow to your self steem but at the same time you think how on earth is your CV going to be different on a pile of so many people applying. This combined with our own economical struggles doesn´t help much.

January 4, things started to change. My crocodile suit has been more and more in the closet lately because of that and because of my involvement in Amsterdam Mamas and the Spanish Speaking Moms of Netherlands. That day apart from the fact that is the birthday of my little one, I registered Mariposa Vlinder : Butterfly in English. My own small company of party animation for children and grown ups. Now I am General Manager, Web Master, Sales Manager, Client Service, and Financial Advisor...all in one. It has been a wonderful experience to start by myself and surprisingly not scary. I am still looking for jobs which will help us immensely emotionally and economically but meanwhile...here I am...a Business Stay at Home Mom. Had already many clients and more to come...thinking of new products and new ways to reach people. Busy when my little one is taking the nap, preparing parties and activities in the evening and working in the weekends while Berend stays home. Is a learning process as well...12 years working closely to client service has helped and my mentor and friend Hernan Valderrama has guided me through with his knowledge in support. Still I make mistakes..all of them solvable and still a lot to acquire on tax system here, on cultural differences, on quality, places to buy but has been a nice adventure and is a good reason to put away the crocodile for a while and show myself to the world. Sometimes is hard still, getting up is a big effort on days like that but more and more Butterflies are part of my life and no matter what it happens I can say I started my own business. Let Mariposa Vlinder fly.

Ice Skates vs Gaza

January 11,2009 on Amsterdam News: Ice Skating, where can you ice skate, the canals are frozen how many ice skates were sold, the minister broke an arm skating, the 11 city tour( ice skating around different cities) oh and by the way there is a conflict in Gaza!

This is one of those defining moments when you clearly understand that you are in another culture, in another country in another reality. Colombia has more news every day than two years in New Zeland and when I saw ice skating news apart from laughing I enjoyed the fact that I was for the first time in many months away from conflict and political issues from my country. That is exactly how you know you have crossed the barrier of development and underdevelopment. When you hear news and the news change of intensity, change of importance and changes priorities. I was in Netherlands for over a month, I was in a developed country, I was living the dream of many people to go to Europe but was it an aspiration still for me?

I have been going to Netherlands for the past six years and I have always been in the comfortable arena of an international group,staying in hotels, eating in nice restaurants and enjoying the culture staying with some friends in their home but always as an observer and never as someone who now for sentimental reasons has to adapt quickly to another culture. But do I really have to adapt to it?

Suddenly my level of English which has helped me in my volunteer job for many years around the world wasn`t good enough to stablish realationships further than a hi, hello and how long are you staying in Netherlands. Making friends suddenly is not easy because inspite people constantly tell you that you can survive in Netherlands with only English if you want to establish real links it takes time and hardly can be done with the scarce 50 words or more I know in Dutch. Is learning Dutch or choosing to stay quiet for hours seing people around you laugh and have fun and you having no clue at all at what they are talking.

This visit included encounters such as the guard in the door of a public international building who inspite my efforts of saying a name in the difficult Dutch pronunciation and showing the name, and even doing mimics to establish communication I was sent off with a: " You are the one who should know Dutch and learn how to say things!"And even had a bus driver who inspite he was late, it was freezing outside and all the circumstances showed him guilty didn`t want to be flexible enough to let me in the bus and I would have to wait for over an hour more if it wasn`t for the nice boy who gave me a chair! This is the moment when Europe stops being glamorous. This is the moment when is your reality and not a holiday and you start seing things as they are.

I see a continent which inspite has agreements as amazing as the European Union still makes it difficult to move around even if you are national of one of the countries. No discounts apply away from the border of the country you are born, trains don`t work exactly the same across the nations, conditions such as a safe road in the middle of an orange alarm of snow change from one side of the path to the other and there is a long road to go for a continent that promotes freedom, openess and multiculturalism to be ready for foreigners, imigrants and other cultures.

It all lies in those two questions: Do I have to adapt and Is still a dream for me? Yes. Of course I have to adjust. I have to do it in order to understand more the man I love and be able to raise if we we ever have our children with our two worlds wonderfully mixed. I do have to accomodate but at the same time I kept having this feeling that actually Europe and specially The Netherlands is closing more and more to foreigners and even though some of us are willing to habituate oneself as much as possible in this society it will become harder and harder.

And a dream for me? What can I say. I love the museums, transportation, travel, the amazing and beautiful cities, how sometimes people can be wonderfully flexible like the culture I come from and even ice skating. How free time, family and not competition is part of society. How culture is around and so many things even the silence you sometimes hear when you are in a small town, hardly possible in a country like Colombia that has 40 million people. I loved the Efteling, Frankfurt,The Ardennes, being in a house with 18 people playing games. I loved New Year in Nieuwmarkt in Amsterdam, walking around in a sunny but freezing Tilburg, Rotterdam, Den Hague, Delft and its lights and even there is much more to discover in Utrecht. I loved going around small towns in Belgium, walking in Paris and knowing Lille and Remagen. Still is hard. Going from the observer to the companion of a wonderful man who comes from a completly different culture than mine is not easy.

Still there is more to come. I will start soon dealing with color..and color will become an issue for me for the first time. I will deal with the fact that people will see us a mixed couple and not as a couple in love. I will be not only having a multicultural relation but far away from all the things I love. Culture adaption seems forever but I am very willing to continue it. Still takes lots of you and people who are taking or willing to take all the risks to be with the person they love, or to fulfill their dreams to make their families life easier, or those who want to study abroad deserve to be seen as brave people. Those are the lessons from this trip. Ice Skating and Gaza, culture and language, adapting and not adapting.