Under the surface

So I am happily starting to have lunch with a colleague I had met in a Jane Austen event and  I was ready to talk about Jane Austen's books, the regency time and much more when she comes with the questions: so how come you read...and in fact...in Colombia are there bookstores, WiFi...?

At the begging I was a bit surprised, shocked and even upset...but then I thought...fine...I am going to answer her questions...which by the way I have answered since I have been away from Colombia in the last 10 years more than thousands of times.

What made me think was that indeed...is very difficult to make connections when you are from another country. How many times have I stayed myself on the surface..the basic questions...the even biased questions...

At the end we all want that...we want to be seen under the surface.What I wanted to tell her was that I think I am a quite fun person that loves reading, writing, going to Movies, that loves Classical Music that has traveled a lot and has a fantastic son.

I am more and more adapted to this society....but now I recognize that I want to be able to be seen under that surface and that I make those questions and not go deeper.

So my goal for this year to continue adapting to Netherlands and to strengthen friendships and make new ones: Go under the surface...and I am definitely insisting to people also that with me...wish me luck.

8 years later...

18th of June 2009. This  is when we left Colombia...

11:30 pm in Amsterdam. I just came out of the movies and my tram passes in front of Anne's Frank house or her hiding place for some years as her real home was Southern in the city. I feel privileged. I have freedom that she only experienced for a short time. The sound of the carrillon on the Westerkerk that scared her family so much welcomes  me to write again. Recently I passed the  8 year mark of having left Colombia. I was beginning to write... celebrate... is it a celebration? Or is a commemoration... I think both.  The moment I stepped on that plain that took me to South Africa I lost me... or sort of. Has been 8 years of redefining me in the middle of harsh moments or amazing moments. Has been trials to keep my essence of  taking care of others when all around tells me to be harsher and just be selfish. Has been moments when I want to run back but now I ask run back to where...

After 8 years home is feeling this: The known sounds of the tram, metro and bus that I take every day. The smell of fritjes in the air. Wanting an ollieboellen in December to fight the dark month. The parents of Benjamin's friends at school becoming closer to what I call friends.My book  club as part of my social life where I found friendship in one of my favourite hobbies. My family in law feels my family and close friends are even closer in my heart.

I still volunteer, have my own small company in the weekends, work full time and  I am a mom and wife  but still I can sometimes give me the pleasure of Netflixing. I am dancing, having  dinner with friends, going on dates with Berend....

Hasn't been easy though... struggling every day with office politics and finding myself around in Dutch culture. I am Dutch now but sometimes feels I am far from integrated and other days I am surprised how no longer things surprise me of the culture and I embrace them with understanding and even with a sense of pride. Surprisingly sometimes to the point of defending it when someone says something not true of my second country.

Is hard to explain to the outsider. Being in Europe is considered  a dream. Most visitors and friends ask me if I am happy... and I can't really answer that question. My answer is I am living life... in a country that was not mine but is starting to feel like that. Is life with its ups and downs... sometimes with an incredible nostalgia of Colombia or South Africa. Is life watching your child grow without that huge family circle I grew in but having close friends that replace  them.  Is life being away from the people you love but starting to open your heart to people here and is missing Colombian food or even South African dishes but eating Dutch food and loving it. Is life as what most people do around the world... going to work, paying bills, preparing for holidays. 

At the end what keeps me going is expressed  in a song I love...in Spanish. " La fuerza de hacer todo a pulmon" And the strength to do all with your lungs...with you all your breath...intensely and even dramatically...Here I am...ready for more years to come...

Battles

BATTLES

Is one of those days. Until now I have survived three useless Hello’s from my side and people looking at me like if I am insulting them, a nice greeting from my side and then the receptionist in my building saying hi to a guy instead of me…and someone bluntly (or rudely-still trying to figure out this one) correcting something I said in Dutch in front of everyone in the table. This of course with a horrible grey 21 degree day in the middle of a not so summer.

My old self will probably jump and say to her something like: I speak 4 languages and you? Or tell her…how dare you…but I decided that none of that is going to affect me or make me have a useless fight. Choose well your battles…and I am not in the mood of a battle.

Amsterdam Mamas is a community of moms (and some dads) mostly expats or immigrants trying to find their way around this amazing city. Is an incredible group of people who help each other and show the power of just being there.  Never easy…5 years later…I have had more of these days before, becoming luckily less and less. When everything seems grey…people around you…the day…no kindness at all and you are wondering why you are away from the warmth and loving life of the Latin world. Still most of the time Amsterdam Mamas is there to remind me that I am not alone on what I feel, that I can ask for help and that we are all going through similar things.

This week we lost one of our members: A mom of 36 year old that leaves behind two small children and a husband. Someone foreigner as I am.  Someone trying to make a life far from home as I have been doing in this country.  When she first shared her sickness I was in the middle of resigning a job that was not making me happy. I decided that I will honour her by not having more battles in a place where I was not entirely welcome. I went home and decided that I am going to love my husband and son every day even more even when is difficult and I may want to run away. I decided to cherish even more my friends…those real ones and left after years of changes.

Now she is gone… and all I can think is that I don’t want to lose time in useless battles…I just had promised this morning Berend that I was not going to fight against this country(like the stupid people that  I have met during the morning). I want to make it my home. I just came back from Colombia and I felt happy to step back to my routine and world. Nothing of this grey day or those grey moments will keep me away from being okay to be here.I had a wonderful time in Colombia. I met old classmates which helped me confront old fears, heal and just have  a blast and even go back to my old school and the playgrounds where I was trying to define myself as a person. I could meet and feel my extended family that is so missed in Netherlands. I could see my Father be a Grandfather to Benjamin, Benjamin enjoying his cousin and family, the attention he was getting and learning Spanish. We were grateful for the time in the mountains and the farm and I was humbly surprised by the love of people still after 7 years being away. Coming back to Netherlands was not easy but still, this is my home.  

I am  not resigning completely to the sometimes coldness of the Dutch…I will still smile, and greet and say thank you. I want Benjamin to know and learn this. There is nothing wrong or weak in being kind and there is nothing wrong in choosing your battles and just enjoy life and the people around you.If anything I think I can teach a thing or two of the power of a smile and kindness. 

ME AS ULYSES

Trock, Trock, Trock…that is the sound of the bags with wheels. Very familiar to me, not only because of the endless trips and hours in the airports but because now under my window in Amsterdam, I hear them constantly; tourists and people on their way to travel or on their way home. This noise reminds me of the charm of going into new quests but for months it represented my worst fears: separate from my husband, break my family apart, and be far away from what I have built.

Because of regulations, I had to leave Berend behind again. We had separated for three months and now again I was heading away from him across the Atlantic. It doesn`t matter how afraid I am of flying or how nice was to see family and friends again. It just didn`t feel the same with my husband in the distance.

Having to deal with paperwork, with this endless feeling of insecurity and with exhaustion because of stress made me go to undiscovered territory in my emotions. Suddenly I was this nerve breakdown woman angry with the world, I felt like fighting with everyone and everything but inspite of that I still couldn’t go back home. Ulyses in The Odyssey fought with the gods and the world…and for that reason he was punished and couldn`t go back to his island for 40 years having to confront horrible monsters and trials. Suddenly I was like Ulyses in my boat trying to get back to Berend. Thousands of obstacles continuously appeared and the more I tried the less I could take a plane back. Not that I was fighting with God, I was more like asking constantly: Why? But of course God was busy with more important things like protecting Benjamin while he learned to walk or taking care of Berend in the distance and me and my family and friends while I was in Colombia.

So what happened with the monsters and trials. Well, I had no other choice but tackle them. Constantly I saw messages, probably sent by God saying that there are mountains and difficulties and there is nothing else but to confront them..and the way we deal with them defines us. Well I was kicking and pouting..probably not the best approach but I learned from all this that scenarios are everywhere…even those worst ones..but at the end…even if there is no victory…you were brave enough to look at them at in their eye and just start the fight.

I know that many people are struggling with migration issues, paperwork, and tough decisions that separate families. I feel solidarity with them and I also understand them. I had gone through a dark hole but at the end it seems that there is a light. Or at least I hope so. If not..well here I am ready to brazen out the next challenge.

Not from here

Here I am flying over the ocean being torn apart from Berend for some months because of red tape. I am so sad but yet, having Benjamin with me you don’t have really time to be sad or even be afraid of flying as I am. In fact you don’t have time for much. Don’t misunderstand me. I love being a mom, not sleeping much, learning every day Benjamin’s needs and somehow solve them as fast possible and all the beautiful rest: when he falls asleep in my arms, when he holds my hair, when we play and laugh and when I hear him breathing beside my bed. All these are just amazing inexplicable feelings but in that process here I am learning how to be a mom, a woman again and all these in the middle of two countries.

I have a good friend in Amsterdam whom when I can I go and have a night out with her.  Like me or at least like I used to; knows wines, movies, books, etc. She is currently single again and she is enjoying it while me…well I think I am far from being this interesting and glamorous person as she is. Most of my time my hair is up because now Benjamin pulls it sweetly to play with it and of course forget those beautiful necklaces that fit exactly that dress that costs a little more because they can easily end up in his small hands or even worse in his mouth. I also have to think how to dress practical, not so much fancy cloth…how…if his hands full with the newest feeding just cling to me pleasantly if upset and I always have to think that I will have to change my blouse. I used to read almost a book per month and here I am reading still baby books and once in a while some literature, which of course takes me now the small amount of 4 months per five pages. And of course, going out well you rather sleep when he is sleeping and use that time to catch up with social networks that keep me sane because of the distance.

This, entire this, is nothing compared to the happiness of being mom. And the proud moments you have. Of course it is not easy, is extra baggage everywhere, is sometimes hearing him cry more than normal…but the compensation is just amazing.

Now I am learning to be a woman again. Recognizing myself in my new roles. What I did before that made me happy is hardly possible now, and I am still discovering what makes me happy now. The question is: How to find myself in the middle of Benjamin and Berend and how to find myself in another country, continent etc when I feel that my heart is part in South Africa, part in Colombia and of course in Netherlands? Facundo Cabral, Argentinean singer recently shot by mafia used to say: “I am not from here. I am not from there, I don’t have age or destiny and to be happy is my color identity.” Never in my life have I understood that phrase as much as I am now and a part of me feels proud of it but the other part is taking a deep breath learning to do it and taking baby steps.

Short blog…Benjamin may wake up at any second.  =)

Of Ants, baby powder and Check Lists.

I began this blog thinking that I wanted to explain in some words how amazingly different our lifes were the last months in Pretoria with a beautiful baby and how incredibly our life has changed again moving not only material things but moving our lifes and souls from continent to continent.

But I can´t and well I am a strong believer that when you start writing if you can´t continue is because is not coming from the heart...so here I am again sitting in Tilburg,Netherlands in my family in law house clinging to one of the only things that keeps me mentally healthy which is to write. Somehow in the middle of that limbo called travelling and landing in your next home writing seems to allow me to put things on perspective or at least for a while while my fingers type frantically in my laptop.

My first need: Make a check list of the things I miss and not miss from South Africa. Is incredible how a country which at the beggining felt so threatening now feels so much home...even more than Colombia which I left two years ago. Is in fact that place that I got so used to that I already was becoming a tourist guide for visitors, that I was proudly talking to our son of five months of how beautiful the country he was born is, and that I learned how to move around so swiftly that my life seems weird not knowing again which streets to take, how to dress for each season, and where to go to have lunch with my best friend Pao.How am I supposed to not miss South Africa if it was what I knew for two years and even though is still not the safest place in earth it did feel stable..and stability is a luxury that I am craving for?

We had an ant infestation...this is literally an ant infestation in our flat before leaving...in fact I think the ants are actually missing us. Anyway, we tried everything until the lady who helped us with our flat came with her local knowledge and explained casually that they fight ants with baby powder. I would have loved to take a picture of my surprised and almost reluctant face. Still I tried and to my surprise we kicked out the ants out of the bathroom...not so lucky with our non wanted visitors in the kitchen hence every night we had the ritual to put some baby powder and vinagre which seemed to work at least to not have thousands walking around. So here I am missing the ants, missing the battle every day with our baby powder and missing the place I called home there.

Suddenly I am back in normal and almost perfect transport system, I am having wonderful walks with Benjamin feeling safe in the street, having 24 hour internet, watching tv with more than 4 channels that  transmit only for the 45th time since we  were there Terminator 1.  But I miss my favourite soap opera: Rhythim City, and I miss listening to Jacaranda Radio Station every day. I miss the jacarandas as a matter of fact with their beautiful blooming purple and I miss that I knew exactly what shops had and  where. I miss watching rugby and cricket and not be stared at as if we are people from another planet. And I definetly miss the beauitful sunsets, the amazing nature and animals around you. And definetly, I miss the brave Elvira I became after two years there confronting insecurity, gated houses, not going out in the night much and being one of those weird peoples who survived and had fun in South Africa with no car.

I have friends here and my family in law is here in Netherlands..still I feel that I left again my family in South Africa...this time not composed by uncles and cousins but from people from my job, from TLF(Berend`s job) and the small latin american community that clings to each other in a wonderful way making you feel home and aided inmediatly. A small family which I don´t have here or at least not yet and which I believe it won´t be easy to find. Nothing like our small corner of the world where we latins and Colombians had landed for different reasons but so small in numbers that we know each others names.

I am respected here as a new mom and as a woman, things are made to help people, museums, culture, activities so many things going on that is overwhelming and nothing compared to the lack of cultural life in Pretoria. I got easily registered in a Dutch crash course, something I could not do in South Africa and the bycicle as a way of moving around is just amazing. Love the beautiful canals, tulips, and global city that is Amsterdam but I miss me...I miss the Elvira that could communicate in two languages( Spanish and English) and now is struggling every day to understand her husband with his family speaking of anything and how tired she it is to practice Dutch hearing news when all she wants is to sit and see a nice American Comedy. I miss the Elvira that was taken into account because of her achievements and habilities, and could stablish easily good relations and not only be talked for 5 minutes and then left aside to continue the conversation in Dutch.

Some people call me brave. I think it all comes again to God. He has the power and He is the one who gives me the energy,patience, impulse and love to wake up every day, take care of Benjamin, teach him about this country but not forgetting South Africa as his place of birth and Colombia as his own country, speak to him in Spanish so he learns three languages, love and help Berend, organize a house and try to learn Dutch. In the middle of all this, kind people come and ask: "so how was South Africa?" and suddenly my life after two years is resumed in two or three sentences...sigh...adaptation begings again...well..maybe the baby powder that we shipped will help for something here...

LEARNING.

Signals are everywhere. It has been more than a year that I updated my blog, my journal is left untouched in my bedside table; here I am a person who dreams to be a writer who hasn’t written more than some press releases and mails. Maybe once in a while inspired I wrote a nice message to a friend in the distance or describing in my best words my life after a year and a half in South Africa but that’s it. Now thanks to a couple of movies: “Julie and Julia”, “Letters to Juliet”, “Eat Pray and Love” and even “Motherhood,” I noticed how much I miss doing this: WRITING; especially when I have written the last 7 lines without stopping much to think.

It has made me wonder why most of the Expats I have met as well as the blogs sometimes I read of other woman who are far away include one chapter in their life’s in the distance where they seem to loose their own interests, where who you are is put on stake, and even on hold to give way to adapting and surviving in the distance. And that is maybe the answer, adapting is the first thing, a purely survival tool and then finding yourself again in a different and complex environment of what you were used back home. Never easy and definitely takes some time.

So here I am one year and a half later that I left Colombia following my husband to a country which we may consider far away depending of course if you don’t live in Lesotho, Botswana, Zimbabwe, and Mozambique. One year and a half in South Africa and I wish to say that now I am over the survival phase and now I feel at ease and I am not driving myself or Berend completely crazy with constant meltdowns,crisis and ramblings of: “ I hate this country” to “I miss everything and everyone”and once in a while: "I want to go back to Colombia or Netherlands" fit and confusing him or myself 5 minutes later with things like: "Well is not that bad here", "Is a beatiful country,isn`t it?" "We are doing quite well ,right?" rush of positivism.

But no. I can`t say it proudly because I am far away from that. God, works in mysterious ways and in good ways...depends of course on your perspective. When I started updating the blog I was writing down that I was now a proud citizen of Pretoria,South Africa...but today, after a month...I can only say...that life is teaching me that you always can do better, that there are things to learn, that you may think you are doing something well..and it turns out that you are not and that actually every day is giving me a chance to be a more complete wife and person.

If something...this country...God, this distance is teaching me that: Be humble. Cherish everything you don´t have: public transport, Internet 24 hours, electricity all the time, no garbage on the street, the silence. Learn every day, sometimes in the hard way and sometimes in an easy way things like: Look for wisdom in God, transform what you can, enjoy the time people give you, recognize your mistakes, recognize your own complications and live on. And definitely understanding that my weakness don't define me, but I can learn from them, my mistakes are not the only thing I do but I can find comfort on the fact that they will allow God work through me to change me and give me more faith

We are in our way to change our lives again as we know them. I am happy and blessed I have a wonderful and amazing husband beside me who loves me in spite of me and now as a promise to Berend I will write more again on this blog. Expressing myself, healing through words and mainly putting down the beautiful and complex path we are close to embark. Another quest,hence scary but appealing, overwhelming but beautiul..and well...maybe I will one day say...I am 100% okay and I have learned what I needed to learn...but then of course that will be boring right?

Trying to Adapt, Trying to Adapt and Yes, Trying to Adapt!

There. I click send. That is my next attempt to find a job in a foreign country that now I call home. Is a new issue for me. I have never really looked for a post before. Being a teacher came as a recommendation from my sister and I was immediately hired and from then on 10 years later I was teaching and I have been a volunteer as long as I remember, I applied before to other jobs but I was in the comfort zone of having an income. I call it the syndrome of “Convincing Yourself while Convincing Others.” I decided to convince myself that looking for a job is a way to convince others that I am doing something. But I discovered that I am doing something. People ask me over and over again what am I doing here in Tshwane, Pretoria, South Africa And I proudly tell them that I am busy…that well I am volunteering, I am teaching some hours Spanish, I am writing and reading when in my mind I am saying...well…I am trying to adapt…and trying to adapt and oh yes trying to adapt. Yes, a job sounds good but does anyone know except probably expats and students aboard how much energy is spent every single day trying to acclimatize to a country?

How can you explain that “busy” when you are in another country which is not yours means that now you are in charge of a home, that takes all the energy of the world to create social networks and even assisting to social events when you are still struggling with accent and the fact that people speak apart from English and Afrikaans other ten languages?(And I thought I spoke a lot of languages…yeah whatever!) How can you define “trying to adapt” as a 24 hour shift? Well it is.

Lets start with the basic: going shopping. Sounds fun right? Yes. If you know where you can buy things and what things to buy. But finding the right shop, the correct prices, the precise food, budget analysis, security issues, scrutiny of which ones look close enough to the ones you used back home and deal with the frustration of finding that some of them don’t even exist in this country takes hours. “How can you expect me to survive without the shampoo I used in Colombia?” I say to Berend with almost tears in my eyes and he answers, “It’s a mystery.” And yes. Is a mystery because I have been able to survive without that and without many things I thought were basic but boy it is like I have been working for 120 hours per week!

Is like reading the newspaper. I used to read the newspaper every day. So I started buying it here. Bad idea. It has so many horrifying stories that it feels like I am reading a tabloid and just increased my fear in 200%( El Espacio for those in Colombia). Hence I had to change that routine. Now I read a web page that chooses the main news of South Africa (which unfortunately still include terror stories but not so much) and I read the newspapers from my country. So instead of having my breakfast with the newspaper, I have coffee with the computer. It makes a good combination but I miss having the newspaper delivered to my door and jump in bed on Sundays and read it without having to turn my computer on. That adds other 100 hours!

We are proudly still in love with each other completely but dealing with a bicultural marriage in a culture completely different from ours is a whole project. As an example we both love watching movies but finding movies when you live downtown has been a whole quest. Many of the films come from and Nigeria, which for our taste are not the best, and many of them have a whole spectrum of violence. If we want to buy some other type we have to go by car to a bigger and nicer shopping mall and both of us don’t even remotely like cars or even enjoy driving! So we are “using” our friend’s volunteers from the foundation to move us around while we…okay…while Berend gets more confidence driving. Me…well…I am trying to understand the fact that people drive on the right side…and not feel completely panicked when someone turns thinking they are going the wrong way!

I have done fun things, I have learnt how to play African Drums, we have been to Soweto Gospel Choir, as part of TLF (Tshwane Leadership Foundation) we were involved in the Feast of the Clowns. I was in charge of the main desk in the 20.000 people event and joined the Counter Trafficking Campaign against Human Trafficking and the New Debate about Homelessness. I have been to movies, to eat out (finally we had Chinese food it was a whole thing finding a Chinese Restaurant, not so much again around down town), invited friends over, made friends, went playing board games for a weekend near Krugesdorp, been to the zoo, been to museums. But I also have been sick for over four weeks. Some kind of virus and infection in my throat and my body, have I said this before? Trying to adapt!

Every day that seems 48 hours has its ups and downs. Over and over sending my CV, making calls, writing to the friend of someone, going to the places to hear or read over and over again: we will contact you if there are posts or we will contact you and well sometimes nothing happens. Even the day of the main event of the Feast of the Clowns I had to take care of a child whose mother had left him in charge to his 12 years old sister who decided to leave him alone in the middle of 20.000 people. We later found out that the mother was completely alcoholic.

It is how it is. I have a life here. Trying to Adapt. I am now learning to take it slowly. That is also a big effort. I have always worked, studied and volunteered at the same time. For the first time God has given me the possibility to be able to only be a volunteer and read as much as I want and even write as much as I want. Is difficult to teach yourself to be calm when I have worked many days in Colombia from 6 in the morning to 11 in the night. Is a permanent learning, a permanent teaching from God and life. Faith has increased in amazing levels in me because here everything is very fragile and nothing is for sure so you can only depend on God. We have good conversations and prayer seems even and even more the best option.

We are heading to our third month here. And trying to adapt is becoming more and more as Adapted! Still so much to learn and assume. But now I am proudly looking for Chutney at the supermarket and have for snack biltong in our cupboard. I will probably start driving in some weeks…

PLANE, STATUS QUO AND VUVUZELAS

30.000 kms away or more in Colombia I used to think that the plane theory applied to me completely but know here in Pretoria in South Africa( or now known as The City of Tshwane) I learn every day that life and God has surprises around the corners ready to be discovered and mark you forever. The plane theory says that if there is an emergency you put the oxygen mask first; you help yourself before you help others. However landing in Tambo International Airport in Johannesburg a month ago with a temperature of 4 degrees and arriving in a very humble but friendly house of volunteers made me realize how easy is to disturb the status quo. The question was and will always be: Do I want to disturb mine? Coming from the comforts of my home in Colombia to not having anything else but our bags, knowledge and mutual love with my husband was the hardest thing I have ever been through. I said good-bye to people and things I love and every single day I have tears in my eyes remembering one person or another. But at the same time my status quo was that…a status quo…and a turbulence called love changed my life transforming futile my own comfort, my own self, my own oxygen and put my whole life in perspective in a different and far away country.

Every single day I deal with the dichotomy that my spirituality teaches me that Christ was able to be content working with poor and homeless and not have anything while at the same time I find the need to have a safe clean and nice home for my recent marriage. And every single day I handle thousands of feelings between admiration, surprise, frustration, happiness, and lessons from God, wonderful reflections from Berend and by life itself. On one side I think highly of woman here. Wiser than many, they carry their children close to them until they are capable of walking creating I think a sense of security in children which makes them look very happy and protected. At the same time they carry three bags, a blanket and maybe something in their heads due to the fact that poverty makes people change of housing all the time and all they can carry is their home. Women have power positions like the Mayor of Pretoria but I also have observed the extremely quietness of some woman in contrast of my own outspoken personality as a result of a still very chauvinist society which makes men hardly have business with woman apart of being maybe a wife or someone pretty to look and harass at if not the be affected by family violence and have to fled from their own husband or boyfriends. Even worse, see young girls sold to prostitution, having suffering from sexual violence loose their own capacity to believe in themselves and their smile.

On the other hand amazingly happy children but at the same time with stern faces that represent the fact that they have to survive with poverty and their own families suffering. Amazing sunsets and sunrises are with me everyday in a beautiful city that has the amazing characteristics of the African continent but garbage is still an issue and the still not so sure how to define terrible sound of vuvuzelas (huge horns used in the stadiums) which people carry around happily as a way to show happiness and cars competing to have the biggest stereo don’t allow me to sleep well. At the same time incredible people spiritually connected to God and amazingly hopeful to change the city and the world are my first official network here and have received me as part of their organization all though I am only a volunteer.( TLF-Tshwane Leadership Foundation).

We even had to put in stand by some of our values. Always proud that we used public transportation and bicycles to move around and never liked the car because is one of the worst elements responsible of Global Warming…now we have to have a one to have a social life and do something after dark. And due to those uncomfortable roaches, every single time wash dishes, which implies more soap into the environment and more use of water, still can you trust God? Why not? When you have nothing of the comfort you had back home and you are surrounded by 5 different languages, in a completely strange, complex and not so safe city and all your knowledge and experience is not enough because everything you are is tested day by day there is no other option but to have a blind faith that somehow things will be okay.

Life goes on…and we are on that train...this city gets you…one day you love it and one you hate it. I am starting to teach Spanish, help in TLF with educational process and other activities while Berend is being an Advocacy Advisor and more due to all his previous experiences…meanwhile as people say here Sharp Sharp (Everything okay) !

Saying yes!

One small decision can change your life. Or a big one. All I know is that not going to Prague as I had planned after the celebration of the five years of the Third Chamber in April 2008 in order to know Berend Brock much more, made me say yes to change my plans without hesitation. Made me be brave enough to spend an extra weekend with him in Netherlands and Belgium. And now wonderfully almost a year after, saying yes to a life together.

Is the first Third Chamber wedding (www.thethirdchamber.org) Two people from different cultures: Berend, being Dutch as much as he can be...and me...being Latin and Colombian as much as I can be. Both incredibly independent but stubborn. Both incredibly world citizens but very proud of our countries. Now a new culture is beginning. A Colombian-Dutch-World Culture. We both are willing to bring to our marriage the best of our cultures, and import those things that we have discovered in our travels and we think are amazing. We even are willing to bring those things that are not so easy for each other to turn them into what we are going to call home.

Proudly we can affirm that the celebration of Saying Yes went quite well. We invited everyone by Internet to save trees. A barbecue in my family’s farm in a beautiful region of Colombia called Ubate (or the capital of milk) was the welcoming for the 95 guests. We had people from everywhere. Dutch family, Dutch friends, Aleyda from The Third Chamber, French Friends, Italian friends, family and friends from work, YMCA, and friends that are there after years and years. We broke protocol. I received the guests in a nice suit...and Berend came later with me opening the door for him. At 14:00 hours I escaped to get ready in my white dress and Berend had a last minute decoration issues. We head to the chapel of the farm. We got married in the Catholic ritual. Tears in my eyes and tears in Berend’s eyes. Even tears in everyone’s eyes. Our vows are full of love, promises and gratitude for each other’s love and we say them in three languages and Berend’s father who passed away two weeks ago was in our hearts and in our words.

Tears again when a letter from my brother who lives in Australia and couldn’t come is read surprisingly by one of my cousins. We leave the chapel and instead of flowers...everyone throws bubbles and the party begins. We dance "Brabant" and " Que bonita es la vida". We eat Colombian desserts instead of the formal cake and we danced until very late combining karaoke in Dutch, English and Spanish. The Dutch and Colombian flag are part of the dance...and then we go to our wedding night in a beautiful colonial hotel.

Saying yes feels just amazing. I am saying yes to a new life. I am saying yes to a life of commitment with the man I love. Saying yes is assuming God’s will to marry in his name. Saying yes even implies saying no to being alone, to take decisions only for myself. Saying yes includes stepping into a new world called South Africa. But most of all Saying yes is accepting love completely in my life.

I can only say I recommend it. Marrying...saying yes...it is worth it. As the priest said to us...in a world where love is cynical…stories like Berend`s and I is a prove that love does exist. He was able to cross the ocean for me...and I am willing to follow him wherever he goes. Is love and for that reason is worth it.

Ice Skates vs Gaza

January 11,2009 on Amsterdam News: Ice Skating, where can you ice skate, the canals are frozen how many ice skates were sold, the minister broke an arm skating, the 11 city tour( ice skating around different cities) oh and by the way there is a conflict in Gaza!

This is one of those defining moments when you clearly understand that you are in another culture, in another country in another reality. Colombia has more news every day than two years in New Zeland and when I saw ice skating news apart from laughing I enjoyed the fact that I was for the first time in many months away from conflict and political issues from my country. That is exactly how you know you have crossed the barrier of development and underdevelopment. When you hear news and the news change of intensity, change of importance and changes priorities. I was in Netherlands for over a month, I was in a developed country, I was living the dream of many people to go to Europe but was it an aspiration still for me?

I have been going to Netherlands for the past six years and I have always been in the comfortable arena of an international group,staying in hotels, eating in nice restaurants and enjoying the culture staying with some friends in their home but always as an observer and never as someone who now for sentimental reasons has to adapt quickly to another culture. But do I really have to adapt to it?

Suddenly my level of English which has helped me in my volunteer job for many years around the world wasn`t good enough to stablish realationships further than a hi, hello and how long are you staying in Netherlands. Making friends suddenly is not easy because inspite people constantly tell you that you can survive in Netherlands with only English if you want to establish real links it takes time and hardly can be done with the scarce 50 words or more I know in Dutch. Is learning Dutch or choosing to stay quiet for hours seing people around you laugh and have fun and you having no clue at all at what they are talking.

This visit included encounters such as the guard in the door of a public international building who inspite my efforts of saying a name in the difficult Dutch pronunciation and showing the name, and even doing mimics to establish communication I was sent off with a: " You are the one who should know Dutch and learn how to say things!"And even had a bus driver who inspite he was late, it was freezing outside and all the circumstances showed him guilty didn`t want to be flexible enough to let me in the bus and I would have to wait for over an hour more if it wasn`t for the nice boy who gave me a chair! This is the moment when Europe stops being glamorous. This is the moment when is your reality and not a holiday and you start seing things as they are.

I see a continent which inspite has agreements as amazing as the European Union still makes it difficult to move around even if you are national of one of the countries. No discounts apply away from the border of the country you are born, trains don`t work exactly the same across the nations, conditions such as a safe road in the middle of an orange alarm of snow change from one side of the path to the other and there is a long road to go for a continent that promotes freedom, openess and multiculturalism to be ready for foreigners, imigrants and other cultures.

It all lies in those two questions: Do I have to adapt and Is still a dream for me? Yes. Of course I have to adjust. I have to do it in order to understand more the man I love and be able to raise if we we ever have our children with our two worlds wonderfully mixed. I do have to accomodate but at the same time I kept having this feeling that actually Europe and specially The Netherlands is closing more and more to foreigners and even though some of us are willing to habituate oneself as much as possible in this society it will become harder and harder.

And a dream for me? What can I say. I love the museums, transportation, travel, the amazing and beautiful cities, how sometimes people can be wonderfully flexible like the culture I come from and even ice skating. How free time, family and not competition is part of society. How culture is around and so many things even the silence you sometimes hear when you are in a small town, hardly possible in a country like Colombia that has 40 million people. I loved the Efteling, Frankfurt,The Ardennes, being in a house with 18 people playing games. I loved New Year in Nieuwmarkt in Amsterdam, walking around in a sunny but freezing Tilburg, Rotterdam, Den Hague, Delft and its lights and even there is much more to discover in Utrecht. I loved going around small towns in Belgium, walking in Paris and knowing Lille and Remagen. Still is hard. Going from the observer to the companion of a wonderful man who comes from a completly different culture than mine is not easy.

Still there is more to come. I will start soon dealing with color..and color will become an issue for me for the first time. I will deal with the fact that people will see us a mixed couple and not as a couple in love. I will be not only having a multicultural relation but far away from all the things I love. Culture adaption seems forever but I am very willing to continue it. Still takes lots of you and people who are taking or willing to take all the risks to be with the person they love, or to fulfill their dreams to make their families life easier, or those who want to study abroad deserve to be seen as brave people. Those are the lessons from this trip. Ice Skating and Gaza, culture and language, adapting and not adapting.