From the Pram to the Laptop

There were mornings when I woke up earlier than my 2.5 year old son and waited lazily in my bed to hear him start singing and playing in his, picked him up and brought him in with me and stayed there for some minutes just enjoying each other. Now I don’t. I have to wake up every day, with an alarm clock, get ready and take my bike enjoying him only for some minutes and then run to my office.

Now I am a working mom and have my own company and nothing prepared me to let go of two years of my life having my little one with me every day and now only seeing him in the morning for some minutes, in the afternoon for some hours and in the weekends.

Don’t misunderstand me. I looked for a job for almost a year and a half. Always independent and busy with a lot of balls in the air I was desperate to get back to work and the situation at home with my husband earning a very low salary and he having all the burden of responsibilities and a burn out didn’t help.  I send in average three cv’s per week and received the equal amount of no’s during that year. I also had a couple of interviews but never in the same amount of CV’s being rejected. I created my company partly to subside my anxiety in looking for jobs and partly to help somehow my home and me in my need to keep myself busy.

I love my new job, love going to the office, love joining the morning rush in Amsterdam to go to work, I enjoy working on my company on some weekends, I enjoy feeling busy but I am heart broken and I miss my son too much. I know that many moms out there have been doing this since their little ones were born and now I have a new respect and admiration for those that had to leave their little ones since they were months old.

Life changes in all ways with a child and even if I try I don’t think I will ever feel myself again after being with my son for those years every day. I feel blessed to have been part of his youngest years and I know I am doing all this for my family and him. There were many reasons why I was a hyperactive person before I was a mom…but now the reason is one…keep my family well. Is a powerful, overwhelming feeling to leave your son every day but the energy that comes with it is equally proportionate.  I feel exhausted, out of place, learning again, trying to adapt again. Starting over again in this country was exhausting because I was learning to be a mom in a country which was not my own and now I am again in the ocean of unknown learning how to work in a country which is not my own. Still every day, when I get up I am surprised by the amount of energy in me and then I see a smile towards me or his small head leaning in my lap in the afternoon when I come back from work and I know I have the right source of inspiration. I miss pushing his pram around but I am also enjoying my laptop in my office. The wonders of being a mom!

Of Crocodiles and Butterflies

Is been more than a year since I last posted and that in the time of an expat is more like 5 years...so many struggles, confusions, nostalgia, life lessons, painful moments but also happy moments. I have been formally in Netherlands for two years and I feel that I have changed in many ways, some good and some... well... someone once told me that you learn to put yourself a crocodile costume so you can actually act as if you are strong, continue swimming after a blow, nothings seems to bother you and even smile when you want to cry. I other words...my crocodile suit is more than ready and I am using it more than I want and I don´t want that anymore.

It has been many things. Is find out that people back home, or what I call home: Colombia are more and more away from my reality. Keeping friendships and even family relations in the same level as four years ago when I left the country is becoming increasingly difficult and even exhausting. Is a harsh reality for those that are far and is to find out that your conversations in spite technology are never as deep as you want and will always leave you an empty feeling because you are not there. And no matter how you fight against it you feel more and more tourist in your own country.  Even South Africa is starting to feel away. I am forgetting names of things which were vital for me after two years of living there, forgetting smells, faces, moments and that feeling is not nice.

It has also been the fact of how difficult is to start and keep friendships in a new country. I am blessed because I belong in a big network of moms that has allowed me to write, connect, help, volunteer, and inspire me: Amsterdam Mamas and my incapacity to stay still has allowed me to meet many people and I keep quite socially active...but real deep friendships are hard to start and even harder to keep. And is struggling not only with Dutch culture but with other cultures from around the world. Being Amsterdam a cosmopolitan city makes you meet wonderfully people from all corners but at the same time you notice how many things are different and no matter how hard you try sometimes common ground is just not there.

As a mom of a toddler I have learned and re learned every day from me and from my son. I see him growing happy and I keep a routine for him to relate with other children and for me to keep my mental health. It is a wonderful world out there of SAHM( Stay at home moms) but sometimes is harsh as well when there is hardly time for deep conversations because you are taking care of your own son or when comparisons come in place about who has been able to manage potty training first, how to raise the kids so they don´t become bullies, having extra time and who cooks what.

However, the most difficult thing of the past year is not be able to find a job. I have been applying here and there and recently I got my 200 rejection letter. I have filled in so many log in pages of companies, expat pages, job agencies which they somehow are expecting that you remember the password you gave them if you try to apply with them again. I have made a couple of interviews but the result is always the same. It is a huge blow to your self steem but at the same time you think how on earth is your CV going to be different on a pile of so many people applying. This combined with our own economical struggles doesn´t help much.

January 4, things started to change. My crocodile suit has been more and more in the closet lately because of that and because of my involvement in Amsterdam Mamas and the Spanish Speaking Moms of Netherlands. That day apart from the fact that is the birthday of my little one, I registered Mariposa Vlinder : Butterfly in English. My own small company of party animation for children and grown ups. Now I am General Manager, Web Master, Sales Manager, Client Service, and Financial Advisor...all in one. It has been a wonderful experience to start by myself and surprisingly not scary. I am still looking for jobs which will help us immensely emotionally and economically but meanwhile...here I am...a Business Stay at Home Mom. Had already many clients and more to come...thinking of new products and new ways to reach people. Busy when my little one is taking the nap, preparing parties and activities in the evening and working in the weekends while Berend stays home. Is a learning process as well...12 years working closely to client service has helped and my mentor and friend Hernan Valderrama has guided me through with his knowledge in support. Still I make mistakes..all of them solvable and still a lot to acquire on tax system here, on cultural differences, on quality, places to buy but has been a nice adventure and is a good reason to put away the crocodile for a while and show myself to the world. Sometimes is hard still, getting up is a big effort on days like that but more and more Butterflies are part of my life and no matter what it happens I can say I started my own business. Let Mariposa Vlinder fly.