Of surviving that first year.

I only showered at 4:00 pm before my husband came back from the office.

This was my routine for the first 4 months after I left Colombia very much in love to live with my husband in South Africa. This was 2009. Now I am living in Netherlands since 2011. Eight years have passed since I took a plane out of Colombia.

They said I could read a lot as I love reading. Didn't have the energy to read. They said I could write as I love writing, what could I write about..feeling so lost...

I considered myself a Global Citizen. I had the privilege of travelling over 20 countries before, had been several months in Canada, I was an open person to adventure or that is what I thought.

We landed in South Africa on June 2009 in winter there. 4 degrees welcomed us and suddenly we were taken to a supermarket to see what we needed...do we need something right now? I asked my husband. Going into a supermarket can be the most challenging thing you can do landing in a new country. In spite there are brands you know and recognize everything feels new, things you think are similar to what you know are not...and of course...if it happens...I had to start shopping in Dutch two years later with hardly the language.

I felt overwhelmed. New country, the moving and adventure soon settles in into routine, security issues in South Africa are very high so leaving the house was challenging, not one but 11 or  new languages being spoken in the street, volunteering was almost impossible and getting a job even more. My marriage started to suffer the consequences.

Suddenly things changed:

I got offered a two week position in the Embassy of Argentina. I said yes immediately. I had a reason to get out of the house. We discovered new Shopping Malls. I joined my husband every Friday and whenever possible in the Activities in the Foundation he was working. We started enjoying the spectacular nature of South Africa, we met friends, we started having a life.

Same thing when we landed in Netherlands two years later and starting over again with one difference as we had a child and going out was important. One month of feeling lost, one month of feeling lonely and nostalgic wanting to run away back to Colombia. But things changed.

How did I survive starting over again two times.

1.  Went out. Staying locked in a country you don't know is tempting but you will never get to know your surroundings and feel at ease. Go out as much as you can even if it rains terribly like here in Netherlands. You can meet people, you can see what activities are in your neighborhood and very quickly starts feeling almost home.

2. If you are like me look for a job. Even a volunteer job. I am one of those persons that need to work.I can imagine myself being terribly rich and still going to work. I can not honestly picture myself in the times of Downtown Abbey when all you did was spend your day in the sitting room...

3. Look for common groups. In my case in South Africa the Foundation was close enough to what the YMCA was for me in Colombia. In Netherlands I belong to a group called Amsterdam Mamas.

4. Ask around. We always asked people what to do or where to get things. We got very good tips in South Africa of beautiful parks or restaurants. Ask, ask, and ask...don't be ashamed. In Netherlands we couldn't put my son in day care so we asked and we got offered an amazing play group where I met moms from around the world that are now my friends.

5. Start learning the language. In South Africa most people speak English, but Afrikaans was another, and Zulu was another etc. Saying a few words in other languages made it easier to have friends in South Africa. In Netherlands makes you have self confidence as speaking Dutch is already challenging itself.

6. Be patient with new friendships. New friendships may take a while( still working on mine in Netherlands). You will find that you may meet someone and think there is a connection and the turns around the person never talks to you again..or you may find a friend for life. Being part of the international community means also that you may need to say good bye...many times...and also that they will be saying good bye to you. Is painful, time consuming and exhausting. But sometimes in the process of making friendships you find wonderful people and feel welcomed.

7. Take a step at a time. Is not a day at a time..is a step. There will be days...where everything feels bad, out of place, not integrated enough, where all you want to do is eat your own food, have a hug and be with the people you love. There are other days that you feel that home is where you are right now. And there are days with both. So I have learnt to take steps. See how it goes, every day, every moment. If I am feeling low I grab some good comedies and let myself watch for hours laughing here and there. Or if I am feeling nostalgic maybe go to a Colombian restaurant. If I am feeling strong, look for courses that attract me and maybe  even be brave enough to go to them with my Dutch that is not so bad but can be better level.

8. Do what you love. In my case reading, writing, movies, expositions, dancing and  a nice dinner in a restaurant. Honor what you love so you respect it. Don't negotiate it. This is what fills you with energy and if you don't do it you will find yourself completely overwhelmed. I am also someone who needs some time alone. Take that time. Take those moments to spoil you.

I have this phrase over my desk from the movie Brooklyn.

"You'll feel so homesick that you'll want to die, and there's nothing you can do about it apart from endure it. But you will, and it won't kill you. And one day the sun will come out - you might not even notice straight away, it'll be that faint. And then you'll catch yourself thinking about something or someone who has no connection with the past. Someone who's only yours. And you'll realize... that this is where your life is."

FOR THE RIGHT TO COMPLAINT

16/05/2015
03:29

Started writing this almost six months ago and all though some things have changed...


Is 3:00 in the morning and I can't sleep again. I have been having insomnia and this only happens when my anxiety levels are way high. In the middle of this moments I do what calms my head more: Read. I just read a beautiful article about Special Children mothers and it touched me deeply. 

" Giving up  is not an option"   the article said and somehow it has been in my head ever since.... 

I was made redundant from my work because of reorganization and boy did I feel that giving up was not an option. I went into a one way mind set...find a new job. I didn't recognize myself I could hardly think of anything else and in spite I had a good landing place I didn't enjoy one inch of it. I am blessed because I have a wonderful network and soon I landed in  a new position.

A new job implies many things: changing routes, changing habits, changing terms...suddenly when you talk about the company that just fired you is no longer "US"..and you have to convince yourself that the company you are in...is the new "WE". You miss things: your colleagues,  the Jehovah Witness guys who stood every day out of the tram and always said hi to me, the fact that you are working in the heart of Amsterdam, the photocopy machine you knew by heart. New all: coffee is suddenly a huge challenge and everything feels overwhelming.

But giving up of course was not my option..all though a part of me wanted to go back to the comfort of what  I knew and I was able to handle I also knew that adapting comes with time and that soon I will start feeling confident where I am now. Glad this happened. Now I know which trains to take, I see more and more friendly faces in my daily commuting, enjoy the me time reading and in the office I can actually answer with confidence. 

 Adapting to this country is still hard. Every day I feel more home here but every day feels that I am not even close to not be seen as  total foreigner. Is an amazing country to live. My son can't grow in a better place where all the System protects him.Even considered the best place for children to grow. Netherlands is beautiful,everything works perfectly and I can still come home at midnight of my movie club feeling safe. But is not easy. We are mainly alone in Amsterdam.Going on a date only happens rarely when my brother in law travels one hour and a half to visit or we go to Tilburg. We have kind friends who help us here but we can't abuse and having a nanny turns a date night into a very expensive evening and keeping close contact with  friends is not easy.

All this and more is impacting our relationship as a couple and we feel sometimes that we are surviving. Is hard to say you are happy when you are in automatic mode and is not easy.

A friend in New Zealand wrote on Facebook an inspirational quote about recognizing that things can be complex, giving up as not an option and to know things can be better. It felt refreshing. Most of the time I feel people don't want you to say how difficult things are on your side or perspective. I have had people telling me to not complaint when I have achieved many things and I am mainly living the European Dream. I have close friends that feel alone because people can't understand if they want more when they have achieved a lot. This at the end  doesn't mean that we are not grateful.We are humans that want kind words,that  want to be shown support and kindness and we want recognition.

So here is my request: Let people around you complaint and tell you how difficult life can be.Just listening may make a difference. Don't immediately jump and tell them that they should be emotionally better and that there are people worse than them. Don't ask why are they complaining but ask how you can  make their day better and even sometimes advices are not required or asked...just listen. Mainly remember that this person as you is trying every day even if the lawn looks greener on their side. They are as you thinking: Giving up is not an option. 

People tell me I am supposed to be strong, still not know if its totally true.When someone says that to me I remember this quote   “Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow." Mary Anne Radmacher .

Sailing the fields of Exhaustion

Today is my last day of sick leave and I am sitting on a train  on my way back to Amsterdam from Cologne. I haven't written in  a long time, always with the  wrong excuse that I am busy when actually  writing for me is like breathing. My days  are filled with mental notes: this could be a blog, this could be a column and even could be a book.

Anyway, when you are an expat or an international in another country than yours life is full of firsts: first time of certain food, first time shopping, first winter. Now one year and a half after I started working full time I am for the first time( and hopefully last ) sent to sick leave because of excessive stress and exhaustion...at home and at the office.

I am not going to go on details on why I ended here. All I know  is that my learning curve as being out of my country for almost 6 years increased dramatically having to confront with myself. I was forced to stop...and with it feelings I had hidden or ignored for a long time came crashing through.

I recognized how I haven't really grieved dreams or hopes I had before embarking on the adventure with my husband to follow him to South Africa and to Netherlands. I simply compromised all I was to be with the man of  my dreams. I love him dearly but I just covered and chocolate coated whatever thing I had planned in my never boring life in Colombia. That is not always good.

I also noticed how many small things I am missing still. Me, in my effort to adapt quickly to the country I call home was starting to think that nostalgia was no longer in my life and that I will be okay without whatever helped me define before: my family, friends, music, food and even all the experiences I had that brought me up to this point. I even forgot how important they were and how much I enjoyed them and learned from them even when they were  complex. Hence, I am embracing it: Nostalgia...you are welcome back into my life!

This brings me to my next point: adapting. I am hearing the speaker in the train and I formally understand two of the three languages spoken and I use my intuition to understand the third. Dutch and English being the first two...German after some classes that I took once and Dutch sounds more logical. This could mean that I am totally adapted to the perfect organization and structure in Netherlands but I have to confess that after these two weeks I can see that cultural shock is still there. I still feel an outsider, I still feel clumsy and insecure and I miss my culture and I also miss the culture I was in South Africa. Accepting this...is making it easier to digest.

All this takes time. I crave for the day I wake up and the feeling is I am really at home, everything feels well and is going to be okay. Meanwhile, I am back to baby steps finding, re finding myself  and reinventing me.

From the Pram to the Laptop

There were mornings when I woke up earlier than my 2.5 year old son and waited lazily in my bed to hear him start singing and playing in his, picked him up and brought him in with me and stayed there for some minutes just enjoying each other. Now I don’t. I have to wake up every day, with an alarm clock, get ready and take my bike enjoying him only for some minutes and then run to my office.

Now I am a working mom and have my own company and nothing prepared me to let go of two years of my life having my little one with me every day and now only seeing him in the morning for some minutes, in the afternoon for some hours and in the weekends.

Don’t misunderstand me. I looked for a job for almost a year and a half. Always independent and busy with a lot of balls in the air I was desperate to get back to work and the situation at home with my husband earning a very low salary and he having all the burden of responsibilities and a burn out didn’t help.  I send in average three cv’s per week and received the equal amount of no’s during that year. I also had a couple of interviews but never in the same amount of CV’s being rejected. I created my company partly to subside my anxiety in looking for jobs and partly to help somehow my home and me in my need to keep myself busy.

I love my new job, love going to the office, love joining the morning rush in Amsterdam to go to work, I enjoy working on my company on some weekends, I enjoy feeling busy but I am heart broken and I miss my son too much. I know that many moms out there have been doing this since their little ones were born and now I have a new respect and admiration for those that had to leave their little ones since they were months old.

Life changes in all ways with a child and even if I try I don’t think I will ever feel myself again after being with my son for those years every day. I feel blessed to have been part of his youngest years and I know I am doing all this for my family and him. There were many reasons why I was a hyperactive person before I was a mom…but now the reason is one…keep my family well. Is a powerful, overwhelming feeling to leave your son every day but the energy that comes with it is equally proportionate.  I feel exhausted, out of place, learning again, trying to adapt again. Starting over again in this country was exhausting because I was learning to be a mom in a country which was not my own and now I am again in the ocean of unknown learning how to work in a country which is not my own. Still every day, when I get up I am surprised by the amount of energy in me and then I see a smile towards me or his small head leaning in my lap in the afternoon when I come back from work and I know I have the right source of inspiration. I miss pushing his pram around but I am also enjoying my laptop in my office. The wonders of being a mom!

Of Crocodiles and Butterflies

Is been more than a year since I last posted and that in the time of an expat is more like 5 years...so many struggles, confusions, nostalgia, life lessons, painful moments but also happy moments. I have been formally in Netherlands for two years and I feel that I have changed in many ways, some good and some... well... someone once told me that you learn to put yourself a crocodile costume so you can actually act as if you are strong, continue swimming after a blow, nothings seems to bother you and even smile when you want to cry. I other words...my crocodile suit is more than ready and I am using it more than I want and I don´t want that anymore.

It has been many things. Is find out that people back home, or what I call home: Colombia are more and more away from my reality. Keeping friendships and even family relations in the same level as four years ago when I left the country is becoming increasingly difficult and even exhausting. Is a harsh reality for those that are far and is to find out that your conversations in spite technology are never as deep as you want and will always leave you an empty feeling because you are not there. And no matter how you fight against it you feel more and more tourist in your own country.  Even South Africa is starting to feel away. I am forgetting names of things which were vital for me after two years of living there, forgetting smells, faces, moments and that feeling is not nice.

It has also been the fact of how difficult is to start and keep friendships in a new country. I am blessed because I belong in a big network of moms that has allowed me to write, connect, help, volunteer, and inspire me: Amsterdam Mamas and my incapacity to stay still has allowed me to meet many people and I keep quite socially active...but real deep friendships are hard to start and even harder to keep. And is struggling not only with Dutch culture but with other cultures from around the world. Being Amsterdam a cosmopolitan city makes you meet wonderfully people from all corners but at the same time you notice how many things are different and no matter how hard you try sometimes common ground is just not there.

As a mom of a toddler I have learned and re learned every day from me and from my son. I see him growing happy and I keep a routine for him to relate with other children and for me to keep my mental health. It is a wonderful world out there of SAHM( Stay at home moms) but sometimes is harsh as well when there is hardly time for deep conversations because you are taking care of your own son or when comparisons come in place about who has been able to manage potty training first, how to raise the kids so they don´t become bullies, having extra time and who cooks what.

However, the most difficult thing of the past year is not be able to find a job. I have been applying here and there and recently I got my 200 rejection letter. I have filled in so many log in pages of companies, expat pages, job agencies which they somehow are expecting that you remember the password you gave them if you try to apply with them again. I have made a couple of interviews but the result is always the same. It is a huge blow to your self steem but at the same time you think how on earth is your CV going to be different on a pile of so many people applying. This combined with our own economical struggles doesn´t help much.

January 4, things started to change. My crocodile suit has been more and more in the closet lately because of that and because of my involvement in Amsterdam Mamas and the Spanish Speaking Moms of Netherlands. That day apart from the fact that is the birthday of my little one, I registered Mariposa Vlinder : Butterfly in English. My own small company of party animation for children and grown ups. Now I am General Manager, Web Master, Sales Manager, Client Service, and Financial Advisor...all in one. It has been a wonderful experience to start by myself and surprisingly not scary. I am still looking for jobs which will help us immensely emotionally and economically but meanwhile...here I am...a Business Stay at Home Mom. Had already many clients and more to come...thinking of new products and new ways to reach people. Busy when my little one is taking the nap, preparing parties and activities in the evening and working in the weekends while Berend stays home. Is a learning process as well...12 years working closely to client service has helped and my mentor and friend Hernan Valderrama has guided me through with his knowledge in support. Still I make mistakes..all of them solvable and still a lot to acquire on tax system here, on cultural differences, on quality, places to buy but has been a nice adventure and is a good reason to put away the crocodile for a while and show myself to the world. Sometimes is hard still, getting up is a big effort on days like that but more and more Butterflies are part of my life and no matter what it happens I can say I started my own business. Let Mariposa Vlinder fly.

ME AS ULYSES

Trock, Trock, Trock…that is the sound of the bags with wheels. Very familiar to me, not only because of the endless trips and hours in the airports but because now under my window in Amsterdam, I hear them constantly; tourists and people on their way to travel or on their way home. This noise reminds me of the charm of going into new quests but for months it represented my worst fears: separate from my husband, break my family apart, and be far away from what I have built.

Because of regulations, I had to leave Berend behind again. We had separated for three months and now again I was heading away from him across the Atlantic. It doesn`t matter how afraid I am of flying or how nice was to see family and friends again. It just didn`t feel the same with my husband in the distance.

Having to deal with paperwork, with this endless feeling of insecurity and with exhaustion because of stress made me go to undiscovered territory in my emotions. Suddenly I was this nerve breakdown woman angry with the world, I felt like fighting with everyone and everything but inspite of that I still couldn’t go back home. Ulyses in The Odyssey fought with the gods and the world…and for that reason he was punished and couldn`t go back to his island for 40 years having to confront horrible monsters and trials. Suddenly I was like Ulyses in my boat trying to get back to Berend. Thousands of obstacles continuously appeared and the more I tried the less I could take a plane back. Not that I was fighting with God, I was more like asking constantly: Why? But of course God was busy with more important things like protecting Benjamin while he learned to walk or taking care of Berend in the distance and me and my family and friends while I was in Colombia.

So what happened with the monsters and trials. Well, I had no other choice but tackle them. Constantly I saw messages, probably sent by God saying that there are mountains and difficulties and there is nothing else but to confront them..and the way we deal with them defines us. Well I was kicking and pouting..probably not the best approach but I learned from all this that scenarios are everywhere…even those worst ones..but at the end…even if there is no victory…you were brave enough to look at them at in their eye and just start the fight.

I know that many people are struggling with migration issues, paperwork, and tough decisions that separate families. I feel solidarity with them and I also understand them. I had gone through a dark hole but at the end it seems that there is a light. Or at least I hope so. If not..well here I am ready to brazen out the next challenge.

Not from here

Here I am flying over the ocean being torn apart from Berend for some months because of red tape. I am so sad but yet, having Benjamin with me you don’t have really time to be sad or even be afraid of flying as I am. In fact you don’t have time for much. Don’t misunderstand me. I love being a mom, not sleeping much, learning every day Benjamin’s needs and somehow solve them as fast possible and all the beautiful rest: when he falls asleep in my arms, when he holds my hair, when we play and laugh and when I hear him breathing beside my bed. All these are just amazing inexplicable feelings but in that process here I am learning how to be a mom, a woman again and all these in the middle of two countries.

I have a good friend in Amsterdam whom when I can I go and have a night out with her.  Like me or at least like I used to; knows wines, movies, books, etc. She is currently single again and she is enjoying it while me…well I think I am far from being this interesting and glamorous person as she is. Most of my time my hair is up because now Benjamin pulls it sweetly to play with it and of course forget those beautiful necklaces that fit exactly that dress that costs a little more because they can easily end up in his small hands or even worse in his mouth. I also have to think how to dress practical, not so much fancy cloth…how…if his hands full with the newest feeding just cling to me pleasantly if upset and I always have to think that I will have to change my blouse. I used to read almost a book per month and here I am reading still baby books and once in a while some literature, which of course takes me now the small amount of 4 months per five pages. And of course, going out well you rather sleep when he is sleeping and use that time to catch up with social networks that keep me sane because of the distance.

This, entire this, is nothing compared to the happiness of being mom. And the proud moments you have. Of course it is not easy, is extra baggage everywhere, is sometimes hearing him cry more than normal…but the compensation is just amazing.

Now I am learning to be a woman again. Recognizing myself in my new roles. What I did before that made me happy is hardly possible now, and I am still discovering what makes me happy now. The question is: How to find myself in the middle of Benjamin and Berend and how to find myself in another country, continent etc when I feel that my heart is part in South Africa, part in Colombia and of course in Netherlands? Facundo Cabral, Argentinean singer recently shot by mafia used to say: “I am not from here. I am not from there, I don’t have age or destiny and to be happy is my color identity.” Never in my life have I understood that phrase as much as I am now and a part of me feels proud of it but the other part is taking a deep breath learning to do it and taking baby steps.

Short blog…Benjamin may wake up at any second.  =)

Of Ants, baby powder and Check Lists.

I began this blog thinking that I wanted to explain in some words how amazingly different our lifes were the last months in Pretoria with a beautiful baby and how incredibly our life has changed again moving not only material things but moving our lifes and souls from continent to continent.

But I can´t and well I am a strong believer that when you start writing if you can´t continue is because is not coming from the heart...so here I am again sitting in Tilburg,Netherlands in my family in law house clinging to one of the only things that keeps me mentally healthy which is to write. Somehow in the middle of that limbo called travelling and landing in your next home writing seems to allow me to put things on perspective or at least for a while while my fingers type frantically in my laptop.

My first need: Make a check list of the things I miss and not miss from South Africa. Is incredible how a country which at the beggining felt so threatening now feels so much home...even more than Colombia which I left two years ago. Is in fact that place that I got so used to that I already was becoming a tourist guide for visitors, that I was proudly talking to our son of five months of how beautiful the country he was born is, and that I learned how to move around so swiftly that my life seems weird not knowing again which streets to take, how to dress for each season, and where to go to have lunch with my best friend Pao.How am I supposed to not miss South Africa if it was what I knew for two years and even though is still not the safest place in earth it did feel stable..and stability is a luxury that I am craving for?

We had an ant infestation...this is literally an ant infestation in our flat before leaving...in fact I think the ants are actually missing us. Anyway, we tried everything until the lady who helped us with our flat came with her local knowledge and explained casually that they fight ants with baby powder. I would have loved to take a picture of my surprised and almost reluctant face. Still I tried and to my surprise we kicked out the ants out of the bathroom...not so lucky with our non wanted visitors in the kitchen hence every night we had the ritual to put some baby powder and vinagre which seemed to work at least to not have thousands walking around. So here I am missing the ants, missing the battle every day with our baby powder and missing the place I called home there.

Suddenly I am back in normal and almost perfect transport system, I am having wonderful walks with Benjamin feeling safe in the street, having 24 hour internet, watching tv with more than 4 channels that  transmit only for the 45th time since we  were there Terminator 1.  But I miss my favourite soap opera: Rhythim City, and I miss listening to Jacaranda Radio Station every day. I miss the jacarandas as a matter of fact with their beautiful blooming purple and I miss that I knew exactly what shops had and  where. I miss watching rugby and cricket and not be stared at as if we are people from another planet. And I definetly miss the beauitful sunsets, the amazing nature and animals around you. And definetly, I miss the brave Elvira I became after two years there confronting insecurity, gated houses, not going out in the night much and being one of those weird peoples who survived and had fun in South Africa with no car.

I have friends here and my family in law is here in Netherlands..still I feel that I left again my family in South Africa...this time not composed by uncles and cousins but from people from my job, from TLF(Berend`s job) and the small latin american community that clings to each other in a wonderful way making you feel home and aided inmediatly. A small family which I don´t have here or at least not yet and which I believe it won´t be easy to find. Nothing like our small corner of the world where we latins and Colombians had landed for different reasons but so small in numbers that we know each others names.

I am respected here as a new mom and as a woman, things are made to help people, museums, culture, activities so many things going on that is overwhelming and nothing compared to the lack of cultural life in Pretoria. I got easily registered in a Dutch crash course, something I could not do in South Africa and the bycicle as a way of moving around is just amazing. Love the beautiful canals, tulips, and global city that is Amsterdam but I miss me...I miss the Elvira that could communicate in two languages( Spanish and English) and now is struggling every day to understand her husband with his family speaking of anything and how tired she it is to practice Dutch hearing news when all she wants is to sit and see a nice American Comedy. I miss the Elvira that was taken into account because of her achievements and habilities, and could stablish easily good relations and not only be talked for 5 minutes and then left aside to continue the conversation in Dutch.

Some people call me brave. I think it all comes again to God. He has the power and He is the one who gives me the energy,patience, impulse and love to wake up every day, take care of Benjamin, teach him about this country but not forgetting South Africa as his place of birth and Colombia as his own country, speak to him in Spanish so he learns three languages, love and help Berend, organize a house and try to learn Dutch. In the middle of all this, kind people come and ask: "so how was South Africa?" and suddenly my life after two years is resumed in two or three sentences...sigh...adaptation begings again...well..maybe the baby powder that we shipped will help for something here...