Here I am flying over the ocean being torn apart from Berend for some months because of red tape. I am so sad but yet, having Benjamin with me you don’t have really time to be sad or even be afraid of flying as I am. In fact you don’t have time for much. Don’t misunderstand me. I love being a mom, not sleeping much, learning every day Benjamin’s needs and somehow solve them as fast possible and all the beautiful rest: when he falls asleep in my arms, when he holds my hair, when we play and laugh and when I hear him breathing beside my bed. All these are just amazing inexplicable feelings but in that process here I am learning how to be a mom, a woman again and all these in the middle of two countries.I have a good friend in Amsterdam whom when I can I go and have a night out with her. Like me or at least like I used to; knows wines, movies, books, etc. She is currently single again and she is enjoying it while me…well I think I am far from being this interesting and glamorous person as she is. Most of my time my hair is up because now Benjamin pulls it sweetly to play with it and of course forget those beautiful necklaces that fit exactly that dress that costs a little more because they can easily end up in his small hands or even worse in his mouth. I also have to think how to dress practical, not so much fancy cloth…how…if his hands full with the newest feeding just cling to me pleasantly if upset and I always have to think that I will have to change my blouse. I used to read almost a book per month and here I am reading still baby books and once in a while some literature, which of course takes me now the small amount of 4 months per five pages. And of course, going out well you rather sleep when he is sleeping and use that time to catch up with social networks that keep me sane because of the distance.
This, entire this, is nothing compared to the happiness of being mom. And the proud moments you have. Of course it is not easy, is extra baggage everywhere, is sometimes hearing him cry more than normal…but the compensation is just amazing.
Now I am learning to be a woman again. Recognizing myself in my new roles. What I did before that made me happy is hardly possible now, and I am still discovering what makes me happy now. The question is: How to find myself in the middle of Benjamin and Berend and how to find myself in another country, continent etc when I feel that my heart is part in South Africa, part in Colombia and of course in Netherlands? Facundo Cabral, Argentinean singer recently shot by mafia used to say: “I am not from here. I am not from there, I don’t have age or destiny and to be happy is my color identity.” Never in my life have I understood that phrase as much as I am now and a part of me feels proud of it but the other part is taking a deep breath learning to do it and taking baby steps.
Short blog…Benjamin may wake up at any second. =)
