Not from here

Here I am flying over the ocean being torn apart from Berend for some months because of red tape. I am so sad but yet, having Benjamin with me you don’t have really time to be sad or even be afraid of flying as I am. In fact you don’t have time for much. Don’t misunderstand me. I love being a mom, not sleeping much, learning every day Benjamin’s needs and somehow solve them as fast possible and all the beautiful rest: when he falls asleep in my arms, when he holds my hair, when we play and laugh and when I hear him breathing beside my bed. All these are just amazing inexplicable feelings but in that process here I am learning how to be a mom, a woman again and all these in the middle of two countries.

I have a good friend in Amsterdam whom when I can I go and have a night out with her.  Like me or at least like I used to; knows wines, movies, books, etc. She is currently single again and she is enjoying it while me…well I think I am far from being this interesting and glamorous person as she is. Most of my time my hair is up because now Benjamin pulls it sweetly to play with it and of course forget those beautiful necklaces that fit exactly that dress that costs a little more because they can easily end up in his small hands or even worse in his mouth. I also have to think how to dress practical, not so much fancy cloth…how…if his hands full with the newest feeding just cling to me pleasantly if upset and I always have to think that I will have to change my blouse. I used to read almost a book per month and here I am reading still baby books and once in a while some literature, which of course takes me now the small amount of 4 months per five pages. And of course, going out well you rather sleep when he is sleeping and use that time to catch up with social networks that keep me sane because of the distance.

This, entire this, is nothing compared to the happiness of being mom. And the proud moments you have. Of course it is not easy, is extra baggage everywhere, is sometimes hearing him cry more than normal…but the compensation is just amazing.

Now I am learning to be a woman again. Recognizing myself in my new roles. What I did before that made me happy is hardly possible now, and I am still discovering what makes me happy now. The question is: How to find myself in the middle of Benjamin and Berend and how to find myself in another country, continent etc when I feel that my heart is part in South Africa, part in Colombia and of course in Netherlands? Facundo Cabral, Argentinean singer recently shot by mafia used to say: “I am not from here. I am not from there, I don’t have age or destiny and to be happy is my color identity.” Never in my life have I understood that phrase as much as I am now and a part of me feels proud of it but the other part is taking a deep breath learning to do it and taking baby steps.

Short blog…Benjamin may wake up at any second.  =)

Of Ants, baby powder and Check Lists.

I began this blog thinking that I wanted to explain in some words how amazingly different our lifes were the last months in Pretoria with a beautiful baby and how incredibly our life has changed again moving not only material things but moving our lifes and souls from continent to continent.

But I can´t and well I am a strong believer that when you start writing if you can´t continue is because is not coming from the heart...so here I am again sitting in Tilburg,Netherlands in my family in law house clinging to one of the only things that keeps me mentally healthy which is to write. Somehow in the middle of that limbo called travelling and landing in your next home writing seems to allow me to put things on perspective or at least for a while while my fingers type frantically in my laptop.

My first need: Make a check list of the things I miss and not miss from South Africa. Is incredible how a country which at the beggining felt so threatening now feels so much home...even more than Colombia which I left two years ago. Is in fact that place that I got so used to that I already was becoming a tourist guide for visitors, that I was proudly talking to our son of five months of how beautiful the country he was born is, and that I learned how to move around so swiftly that my life seems weird not knowing again which streets to take, how to dress for each season, and where to go to have lunch with my best friend Pao.How am I supposed to not miss South Africa if it was what I knew for two years and even though is still not the safest place in earth it did feel stable..and stability is a luxury that I am craving for?

We had an ant infestation...this is literally an ant infestation in our flat before leaving...in fact I think the ants are actually missing us. Anyway, we tried everything until the lady who helped us with our flat came with her local knowledge and explained casually that they fight ants with baby powder. I would have loved to take a picture of my surprised and almost reluctant face. Still I tried and to my surprise we kicked out the ants out of the bathroom...not so lucky with our non wanted visitors in the kitchen hence every night we had the ritual to put some baby powder and vinagre which seemed to work at least to not have thousands walking around. So here I am missing the ants, missing the battle every day with our baby powder and missing the place I called home there.

Suddenly I am back in normal and almost perfect transport system, I am having wonderful walks with Benjamin feeling safe in the street, having 24 hour internet, watching tv with more than 4 channels that  transmit only for the 45th time since we  were there Terminator 1.  But I miss my favourite soap opera: Rhythim City, and I miss listening to Jacaranda Radio Station every day. I miss the jacarandas as a matter of fact with their beautiful blooming purple and I miss that I knew exactly what shops had and  where. I miss watching rugby and cricket and not be stared at as if we are people from another planet. And I definetly miss the beauitful sunsets, the amazing nature and animals around you. And definetly, I miss the brave Elvira I became after two years there confronting insecurity, gated houses, not going out in the night much and being one of those weird peoples who survived and had fun in South Africa with no car.

I have friends here and my family in law is here in Netherlands..still I feel that I left again my family in South Africa...this time not composed by uncles and cousins but from people from my job, from TLF(Berend`s job) and the small latin american community that clings to each other in a wonderful way making you feel home and aided inmediatly. A small family which I don´t have here or at least not yet and which I believe it won´t be easy to find. Nothing like our small corner of the world where we latins and Colombians had landed for different reasons but so small in numbers that we know each others names.

I am respected here as a new mom and as a woman, things are made to help people, museums, culture, activities so many things going on that is overwhelming and nothing compared to the lack of cultural life in Pretoria. I got easily registered in a Dutch crash course, something I could not do in South Africa and the bycicle as a way of moving around is just amazing. Love the beautiful canals, tulips, and global city that is Amsterdam but I miss me...I miss the Elvira that could communicate in two languages( Spanish and English) and now is struggling every day to understand her husband with his family speaking of anything and how tired she it is to practice Dutch hearing news when all she wants is to sit and see a nice American Comedy. I miss the Elvira that was taken into account because of her achievements and habilities, and could stablish easily good relations and not only be talked for 5 minutes and then left aside to continue the conversation in Dutch.

Some people call me brave. I think it all comes again to God. He has the power and He is the one who gives me the energy,patience, impulse and love to wake up every day, take care of Benjamin, teach him about this country but not forgetting South Africa as his place of birth and Colombia as his own country, speak to him in Spanish so he learns three languages, love and help Berend, organize a house and try to learn Dutch. In the middle of all this, kind people come and ask: "so how was South Africa?" and suddenly my life after two years is resumed in two or three sentences...sigh...adaptation begings again...well..maybe the baby powder that we shipped will help for something here...