BATTLES
Is one of those days. Until now I have survived three useless
Hello’s from my side and people looking at me like if I am insulting them, a
nice greeting from my side and then the receptionist in my building saying hi
to a guy instead of me…and someone bluntly (or rudely-still trying to figure
out this one) correcting something I said in Dutch in front of everyone in the
table. This of course with a horrible grey 21 degree day in the middle of a not
so summer.
My old self will probably jump and say to her something
like: I speak 4 languages and you? Or tell her…how dare you…but I decided that
none of that is going to affect me or make me have a useless fight. Choose well
your battles…and I am not in the mood of a battle.
Amsterdam Mamas is a community of moms (and some dads)
mostly expats or immigrants trying to find their way around this amazing city. Is
an incredible group of people who help each other and show the power of just being
there. Never easy…5 years later…I have
had more of these days before, becoming luckily less and less. When everything
seems grey…people around you…the day…no kindness at all and you are wondering
why you are away from the warmth and loving life of the Latin world. Still most of
the time Amsterdam Mamas is there to remind me that I am not alone on what I
feel, that I can ask for help and that we are all going through similar things.
This week we lost one of our members: A mom of 36 year old
that leaves behind two small children and a husband. Someone foreigner as I am.
Someone trying to make a life far from
home as I have been doing in this country.
When she first shared her sickness I was in the middle of resigning a
job that was not making me happy. I decided that I will honour her by not having
more battles in a place where I was not entirely welcome. I went home and
decided that I am going to love my husband and son every day even more even
when is difficult and I may want to run away. I decided to cherish even more my
friends…those real ones and left after years of changes.
Now she is gone… and all I can think is that I don’t want to
lose time in useless battles…I just had promised this morning Berend that I was
not going to fight against this country(like the stupid people that I have met during the morning). I want to
make it my home. I just came back from Colombia and I felt happy to step back
to my routine and world. Nothing of this grey day or those grey moments will keep me away from being okay to be here.I had a wonderful time in Colombia. I met old classmates which helped me confront old fears, heal and just have a blast and even go back to my old school and the playgrounds where I was trying to define myself as a person. I could meet and feel my extended family that is so missed in Netherlands. I could see my Father be a Grandfather to Benjamin, Benjamin enjoying his cousin and family, the attention he was getting and learning Spanish. We were grateful for the time in the mountains and the farm and I was humbly surprised by the love of people still after 7 years being away. Coming back to Netherlands was not easy but still, this is my home.
I am not resigning completely to the sometimes
coldness of the Dutch…I will still smile, and greet and say thank you. I want
Benjamin to know and learn this. There is nothing wrong or weak in being kind
and there is nothing wrong in choosing your battles and just enjoy life and the
people around you.If anything I think I can teach a thing or two of the power of a smile and kindness.
