There were mornings when
I woke up earlier than my 2.5 year old son and waited lazily in my bed to hear
him start singing and playing in his, picked him up and brought him in with me
and stayed there for some minutes just enjoying each other. Now I don’t. I have
to wake up every day, with an alarm clock, get ready and take my bike enjoying
him only for some minutes and then run to my office.
Now I am a working mom
and have my own company and nothing prepared me to let go of two years of my
life having my little one with me every day and now only seeing him in the
morning for some minutes, in the afternoon for some hours and in the weekends.
Don’t misunderstand
me. I looked for a job for almost a year and a half. Always independent and
busy with a lot of balls in the air I was desperate to get back to work and the
situation at home with my husband earning a very low salary and he having all
the burden of responsibilities and a burn out didn’t help. I send in average three cv’s per week and received
the equal amount of no’s during that year. I also had a couple of interviews
but never in the same amount of CV’s being rejected. I created my company
partly to subside my anxiety in looking for jobs and partly to help somehow my
home and me in my need to keep myself busy.
I love my new job,
love going to the office, love joining the morning rush in Amsterdam to go to
work, I enjoy working on my company on some weekends, I enjoy feeling busy but
I am heart broken and I miss my son too much. I know that many moms out there
have been doing this since their little ones were born and now I have a new
respect and admiration for those that had to leave their little ones since they
were months old.
Life changes in all
ways with a child and even if I try I don’t think I will ever feel myself again
after being with my son for those years every day. I feel blessed to have been
part of his youngest years and I know I am doing all this for my family and
him. There were many reasons why I was a hyperactive person before I was a mom…but
now the reason is one…keep my family well. Is a powerful, overwhelming feeling
to leave your son every day but the energy that comes with it is equally
proportionate. I feel exhausted, out of
place, learning again, trying to adapt again. Starting over again in this
country was exhausting because I was learning to be a mom in a country which
was not my own and now I am again in the ocean of unknown learning how to work in
a country which is not my own. Still every day, when I get up I am surprised by
the amount of energy in me and then I see a smile towards me or his small head
leaning in my lap in the afternoon when I come back from work and I know I have
the right source of inspiration. I miss pushing his pram around but I am also
enjoying my laptop in my office. The wonders of being a mom!
