Today is my last day of sick leave and I am sitting on a train on my way back to Amsterdam from Cologne. I haven't written in a long time, always with the wrong excuse that I am busy when actually writing for me is like breathing. My days are filled with mental notes: this could be a blog, this could be a column and even could be a book.
Anyway, when you are an expat or an international in another country than yours life is full of firsts: first time of certain food, first time shopping, first winter. Now one year and a half after I started working full time I am for the first time( and hopefully last ) sent to sick leave because of excessive stress and exhaustion...at home and at the office.
I am not going to go on details on why I ended here. All I know is that my learning curve as being out of my country for almost 6 years increased dramatically having to confront with myself. I was forced to stop...and with it feelings I had hidden or ignored for a long time came crashing through.
I recognized how I haven't really grieved dreams or hopes I had before embarking on the adventure with my husband to follow him to South Africa and to Netherlands. I simply compromised all I was to be with the man of my dreams. I love him dearly but I just covered and chocolate coated whatever thing I had planned in my never boring life in Colombia. That is not always good.
I also noticed how many small things I am missing still. Me, in my effort to adapt quickly to the country I call home was starting to think that nostalgia was no longer in my life and that I will be okay without whatever helped me define before: my family, friends, music, food and even all the experiences I had that brought me up to this point. I even forgot how important they were and how much I enjoyed them and learned from them even when they were complex. Hence, I am embracing it: Nostalgia...you are welcome back into my life!
This brings me to my next point: adapting. I am hearing the speaker in the train and I formally understand two of the three languages spoken and I use my intuition to understand the third. Dutch and English being the first two...German after some classes that I took once and Dutch sounds more logical. This could mean that I am totally adapted to the perfect organization and structure in Netherlands but I have to confess that after these two weeks I can see that cultural shock is still there. I still feel an outsider, I still feel clumsy and insecure and I miss my culture and I also miss the culture I was in South Africa. Accepting this...is making it easier to digest.
All this takes time. I crave for the day I wake up and the feeling is I am really at home, everything feels well and is going to be okay. Meanwhile, I am back to baby steps finding, re finding myself and reinventing me.
