Battles

BATTLES

Is one of those days. Until now I have survived three useless Hello’s from my side and people looking at me like if I am insulting them, a nice greeting from my side and then the receptionist in my building saying hi to a guy instead of me…and someone bluntly (or rudely-still trying to figure out this one) correcting something I said in Dutch in front of everyone in the table. This of course with a horrible grey 21 degree day in the middle of a not so summer.

My old self will probably jump and say to her something like: I speak 4 languages and you? Or tell her…how dare you…but I decided that none of that is going to affect me or make me have a useless fight. Choose well your battles…and I am not in the mood of a battle.

Amsterdam Mamas is a community of moms (and some dads) mostly expats or immigrants trying to find their way around this amazing city. Is an incredible group of people who help each other and show the power of just being there.  Never easy…5 years later…I have had more of these days before, becoming luckily less and less. When everything seems grey…people around you…the day…no kindness at all and you are wondering why you are away from the warmth and loving life of the Latin world. Still most of the time Amsterdam Mamas is there to remind me that I am not alone on what I feel, that I can ask for help and that we are all going through similar things.

This week we lost one of our members: A mom of 36 year old that leaves behind two small children and a husband. Someone foreigner as I am.  Someone trying to make a life far from home as I have been doing in this country.  When she first shared her sickness I was in the middle of resigning a job that was not making me happy. I decided that I will honour her by not having more battles in a place where I was not entirely welcome. I went home and decided that I am going to love my husband and son every day even more even when is difficult and I may want to run away. I decided to cherish even more my friends…those real ones and left after years of changes.

Now she is gone… and all I can think is that I don’t want to lose time in useless battles…I just had promised this morning Berend that I was not going to fight against this country(like the stupid people that  I have met during the morning). I want to make it my home. I just came back from Colombia and I felt happy to step back to my routine and world. Nothing of this grey day or those grey moments will keep me away from being okay to be here.I had a wonderful time in Colombia. I met old classmates which helped me confront old fears, heal and just have  a blast and even go back to my old school and the playgrounds where I was trying to define myself as a person. I could meet and feel my extended family that is so missed in Netherlands. I could see my Father be a Grandfather to Benjamin, Benjamin enjoying his cousin and family, the attention he was getting and learning Spanish. We were grateful for the time in the mountains and the farm and I was humbly surprised by the love of people still after 7 years being away. Coming back to Netherlands was not easy but still, this is my home.  

I am  not resigning completely to the sometimes coldness of the Dutch…I will still smile, and greet and say thank you. I want Benjamin to know and learn this. There is nothing wrong or weak in being kind and there is nothing wrong in choosing your battles and just enjoy life and the people around you.If anything I think I can teach a thing or two of the power of a smile and kindness. 

Of Crocodiles and Butterflies

Is been more than a year since I last posted and that in the time of an expat is more like 5 years...so many struggles, confusions, nostalgia, life lessons, painful moments but also happy moments. I have been formally in Netherlands for two years and I feel that I have changed in many ways, some good and some... well... someone once told me that you learn to put yourself a crocodile costume so you can actually act as if you are strong, continue swimming after a blow, nothings seems to bother you and even smile when you want to cry. I other words...my crocodile suit is more than ready and I am using it more than I want and I don´t want that anymore.

It has been many things. Is find out that people back home, or what I call home: Colombia are more and more away from my reality. Keeping friendships and even family relations in the same level as four years ago when I left the country is becoming increasingly difficult and even exhausting. Is a harsh reality for those that are far and is to find out that your conversations in spite technology are never as deep as you want and will always leave you an empty feeling because you are not there. And no matter how you fight against it you feel more and more tourist in your own country.  Even South Africa is starting to feel away. I am forgetting names of things which were vital for me after two years of living there, forgetting smells, faces, moments and that feeling is not nice.

It has also been the fact of how difficult is to start and keep friendships in a new country. I am blessed because I belong in a big network of moms that has allowed me to write, connect, help, volunteer, and inspire me: Amsterdam Mamas and my incapacity to stay still has allowed me to meet many people and I keep quite socially active...but real deep friendships are hard to start and even harder to keep. And is struggling not only with Dutch culture but with other cultures from around the world. Being Amsterdam a cosmopolitan city makes you meet wonderfully people from all corners but at the same time you notice how many things are different and no matter how hard you try sometimes common ground is just not there.

As a mom of a toddler I have learned and re learned every day from me and from my son. I see him growing happy and I keep a routine for him to relate with other children and for me to keep my mental health. It is a wonderful world out there of SAHM( Stay at home moms) but sometimes is harsh as well when there is hardly time for deep conversations because you are taking care of your own son or when comparisons come in place about who has been able to manage potty training first, how to raise the kids so they don´t become bullies, having extra time and who cooks what.

However, the most difficult thing of the past year is not be able to find a job. I have been applying here and there and recently I got my 200 rejection letter. I have filled in so many log in pages of companies, expat pages, job agencies which they somehow are expecting that you remember the password you gave them if you try to apply with them again. I have made a couple of interviews but the result is always the same. It is a huge blow to your self steem but at the same time you think how on earth is your CV going to be different on a pile of so many people applying. This combined with our own economical struggles doesn´t help much.

January 4, things started to change. My crocodile suit has been more and more in the closet lately because of that and because of my involvement in Amsterdam Mamas and the Spanish Speaking Moms of Netherlands. That day apart from the fact that is the birthday of my little one, I registered Mariposa Vlinder : Butterfly in English. My own small company of party animation for children and grown ups. Now I am General Manager, Web Master, Sales Manager, Client Service, and Financial Advisor...all in one. It has been a wonderful experience to start by myself and surprisingly not scary. I am still looking for jobs which will help us immensely emotionally and economically but meanwhile...here I am...a Business Stay at Home Mom. Had already many clients and more to come...thinking of new products and new ways to reach people. Busy when my little one is taking the nap, preparing parties and activities in the evening and working in the weekends while Berend stays home. Is a learning process as well...12 years working closely to client service has helped and my mentor and friend Hernan Valderrama has guided me through with his knowledge in support. Still I make mistakes..all of them solvable and still a lot to acquire on tax system here, on cultural differences, on quality, places to buy but has been a nice adventure and is a good reason to put away the crocodile for a while and show myself to the world. Sometimes is hard still, getting up is a big effort on days like that but more and more Butterflies are part of my life and no matter what it happens I can say I started my own business. Let Mariposa Vlinder fly.