Battles

BATTLES

Is one of those days. Until now I have survived three useless Hello’s from my side and people looking at me like if I am insulting them, a nice greeting from my side and then the receptionist in my building saying hi to a guy instead of me…and someone bluntly (or rudely-still trying to figure out this one) correcting something I said in Dutch in front of everyone in the table. This of course with a horrible grey 21 degree day in the middle of a not so summer.

My old self will probably jump and say to her something like: I speak 4 languages and you? Or tell her…how dare you…but I decided that none of that is going to affect me or make me have a useless fight. Choose well your battles…and I am not in the mood of a battle.

Amsterdam Mamas is a community of moms (and some dads) mostly expats or immigrants trying to find their way around this amazing city. Is an incredible group of people who help each other and show the power of just being there.  Never easy…5 years later…I have had more of these days before, becoming luckily less and less. When everything seems grey…people around you…the day…no kindness at all and you are wondering why you are away from the warmth and loving life of the Latin world. Still most of the time Amsterdam Mamas is there to remind me that I am not alone on what I feel, that I can ask for help and that we are all going through similar things.

This week we lost one of our members: A mom of 36 year old that leaves behind two small children and a husband. Someone foreigner as I am.  Someone trying to make a life far from home as I have been doing in this country.  When she first shared her sickness I was in the middle of resigning a job that was not making me happy. I decided that I will honour her by not having more battles in a place where I was not entirely welcome. I went home and decided that I am going to love my husband and son every day even more even when is difficult and I may want to run away. I decided to cherish even more my friends…those real ones and left after years of changes.

Now she is gone… and all I can think is that I don’t want to lose time in useless battles…I just had promised this morning Berend that I was not going to fight against this country(like the stupid people that  I have met during the morning). I want to make it my home. I just came back from Colombia and I felt happy to step back to my routine and world. Nothing of this grey day or those grey moments will keep me away from being okay to be here.I had a wonderful time in Colombia. I met old classmates which helped me confront old fears, heal and just have  a blast and even go back to my old school and the playgrounds where I was trying to define myself as a person. I could meet and feel my extended family that is so missed in Netherlands. I could see my Father be a Grandfather to Benjamin, Benjamin enjoying his cousin and family, the attention he was getting and learning Spanish. We were grateful for the time in the mountains and the farm and I was humbly surprised by the love of people still after 7 years being away. Coming back to Netherlands was not easy but still, this is my home.  

I am  not resigning completely to the sometimes coldness of the Dutch…I will still smile, and greet and say thank you. I want Benjamin to know and learn this. There is nothing wrong or weak in being kind and there is nothing wrong in choosing your battles and just enjoy life and the people around you.If anything I think I can teach a thing or two of the power of a smile and kindness. 

FOR THE RIGHT TO COMPLAINT

16/05/2015
03:29

Started writing this almost six months ago and all though some things have changed...


Is 3:00 in the morning and I can't sleep again. I have been having insomnia and this only happens when my anxiety levels are way high. In the middle of this moments I do what calms my head more: Read. I just read a beautiful article about Special Children mothers and it touched me deeply. 

" Giving up  is not an option"   the article said and somehow it has been in my head ever since.... 

I was made redundant from my work because of reorganization and boy did I feel that giving up was not an option. I went into a one way mind set...find a new job. I didn't recognize myself I could hardly think of anything else and in spite I had a good landing place I didn't enjoy one inch of it. I am blessed because I have a wonderful network and soon I landed in  a new position.

A new job implies many things: changing routes, changing habits, changing terms...suddenly when you talk about the company that just fired you is no longer "US"..and you have to convince yourself that the company you are in...is the new "WE". You miss things: your colleagues,  the Jehovah Witness guys who stood every day out of the tram and always said hi to me, the fact that you are working in the heart of Amsterdam, the photocopy machine you knew by heart. New all: coffee is suddenly a huge challenge and everything feels overwhelming.

But giving up of course was not my option..all though a part of me wanted to go back to the comfort of what  I knew and I was able to handle I also knew that adapting comes with time and that soon I will start feeling confident where I am now. Glad this happened. Now I know which trains to take, I see more and more friendly faces in my daily commuting, enjoy the me time reading and in the office I can actually answer with confidence. 

 Adapting to this country is still hard. Every day I feel more home here but every day feels that I am not even close to not be seen as  total foreigner. Is an amazing country to live. My son can't grow in a better place where all the System protects him.Even considered the best place for children to grow. Netherlands is beautiful,everything works perfectly and I can still come home at midnight of my movie club feeling safe. But is not easy. We are mainly alone in Amsterdam.Going on a date only happens rarely when my brother in law travels one hour and a half to visit or we go to Tilburg. We have kind friends who help us here but we can't abuse and having a nanny turns a date night into a very expensive evening and keeping close contact with  friends is not easy.

All this and more is impacting our relationship as a couple and we feel sometimes that we are surviving. Is hard to say you are happy when you are in automatic mode and is not easy.

A friend in New Zealand wrote on Facebook an inspirational quote about recognizing that things can be complex, giving up as not an option and to know things can be better. It felt refreshing. Most of the time I feel people don't want you to say how difficult things are on your side or perspective. I have had people telling me to not complaint when I have achieved many things and I am mainly living the European Dream. I have close friends that feel alone because people can't understand if they want more when they have achieved a lot. This at the end  doesn't mean that we are not grateful.We are humans that want kind words,that  want to be shown support and kindness and we want recognition.

So here is my request: Let people around you complaint and tell you how difficult life can be.Just listening may make a difference. Don't immediately jump and tell them that they should be emotionally better and that there are people worse than them. Don't ask why are they complaining but ask how you can  make their day better and even sometimes advices are not required or asked...just listen. Mainly remember that this person as you is trying every day even if the lawn looks greener on their side. They are as you thinking: Giving up is not an option. 

People tell me I am supposed to be strong, still not know if its totally true.When someone says that to me I remember this quote   “Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow." Mary Anne Radmacher .